


ODDyssy

by WizOz



Category: Mythology Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:14:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 24,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25512643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WizOz/pseuds/WizOz
Summary: An odd twist on an old classic
Comments: 5
Kudos: 1





	1. THE ENGLANDY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THE ENGLANDY  
> or  
> What if Odysseus sidetracked to England?  
> Continuing the Odyssey

The great ship Watrlogd, led by Odysseus and his legendary crew of brawny sea men, crested the rolling waves like a knife through melted butter. The sun was beginning to set as they neared a strange land.

Slowly, yet steadily, Bob climbed the long rope ladder leading to the crow's nest. It was his day to gather the eggs. As he climbed, he wondered why the top of the mast was called the crow's nest when, in full reality, they used it to raise chickens. Some questions were never meant to have answers. Quietly he pulled himself up and onto the crow's nest. No sign of the chicken! With a sigh of relief he reached for the eggs. He silently gathered up the five eggs which he saw and proceeded to climb down the ladder. In a sudden white flash, Bob lost his grip. In fact he lost his fingers. The chicken is quicker than the eye! Bobfell to the ship below, still clutching the eggs.

“No wonder 'e was late matey,” exclaimed Pete.

“Looks like the chicken got 'im,” replied Jones.

“Its a shame to lose breakfist, Jest look at it, will ya. Every egg, squishy-squashed to pieces,” said Pete's dog.

“Shut your mouth! Dogs don't talk. Dumb mutt don't even know 'is place on a ship,” said Jones.

“Who ya callin' dumb, mussears!” replied Pete.

With that Pete and Jones both grappled with each other for a moment. Then they fell overboard.

“Oh well, there goes me breakfist,” said Pete's dog.

“You can say that again,” said Jones's parrot.

“Oh well, there goes me breakfist,” said Pete's dog.

Odysseus was still asleep when he heard a loud crash. Rushing out, Odysseus found that his ship had struck mainland. Angry he turned. . . and found his crew staring at him. He wondered if there was something

stuck in his teeth. Then he realized his error. He had forgotten to dress!

“Look mates! The Cap'n as Barney pajamies!”

Everyone but Odysseus laughed.

A shower and a quick-dry later, Odysseus was back on the deck of his ship, fully clothed and barking out orders (for he was part dog). A long trip to the mapmaker had told him that he was in England. A

short while later, they all went ashore.

Hours had passed without a sign of anything.

“Strange country, this England,” said Odysseus, “I could swear I've seen at least four three-headed monkeys!”

“Seen what, cap'n?” said Rockert.

Suddenly Percival interrupted, “Look captain, I say, it looks like that god-chap Hermes. I can tell it's him, a sixth sense you know, my mother always said I had one. Besides, the chap has his winged-Nike® (trademark) hightops on.”

Quickly, Odysseus yelled for his men to hide in the bushes. Hermes landed in the small grove.

“Come out, come out, wherever you are!” called Hermes.

He heard a small rustling in the bushes and saw Odysseus running towards him. Neatly side-stepping Odysseus's rush, Hermes countered with a blow to the stomach, a neat little swinging back kick to the

head, and several other small moves. Standing back, Hermes was amused at his handiwork.

“Get him, men!” Odysseus suddenly cried out.

In the bushes, Percival looked up. “I say chaps, what does our fearless captain want now?”

“'Ow am oi sposed t'now, zurr?” cried out Bull Weavel.

“I think, now this is just an opinion you understand, that the captain, this is just from my view you know, that he wants us to charge the dirty braggart. . er. . god which most humbly assaulted him,” Rockert suddenly blurted out, feeling important at his use of large words.

“Oh roight, carry on then chaps, and remember, no rough stuff.”

The charge came suddenly, unexpectedly. The god was pulled down by the weight of sheer numbers.

“Doggy pile!”

“Get your foot outta me eye!”

“Ouch!”

The cries of the wounded filled the surrounding woodlands. Suddenly an arrow appeared in Rockert's chest.

“I've been shot!” he announced and fell to the earth.

“Who shot that arrow?” asked Percival.

“I, Robin Hood, shot the arrow. I take from the rich and give to the poor. I go traipsing around Sherwood Forest wi. . .”

A well-placed axe blow silenced him.

Odysseus sat up. It was morning and time to interrogate the

prisoner. “Ha! Now who is so high-and-mighty? I laugh in the general direction of you and Poseidon. What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? I thought so, here let me remove it. Percy, this is your cat isn't it?”

“Yes, sir! I've been looking for him all day! Thank you sir!”

“Now do you have something to say, Mr. High-and-Mighty?”

“No,” said Hermes.

“No?” asked Odysseus.

“Yes, I have nothing to say at this moment, but expect a call from my lawyer,” replied Hermes.

“Oh. By the way thanks for the high tops! We had to saw off your legs to get them off. Sorry for the inconvenience. I hope it's not to uncomfortable to walk around on stumps.”

Everyone laughed.

About noonish, Odysseus broke camp. As they were walking away everyone yelled goodbye to Hermes, gave him a huge ear-to-ear grin, and waved.

A few hours later brought them to a churchyard. A small anvil with a sword sticking out of it was the only furnishing in the yard.

“Hmmmmm. . . nice blade. . . mine!” Odysseus thought, in his barbaric sort of way.

With that he pulled it out of the stone. And from that day forth

Odysseus ruled all of Britain, although nobody knew it at the time. Returning to their ship, the brawny sea men sailed off into the

sunset, with Odysseus flying beside them.

THE END

P.S. To be fair, Odysseus placed his own sword in the anvil. Of

course, history went on, and Arthur pulled the sword. And from that day forth Arthur and Odysseus's sword, Withowtwit, ruled all of Britain.


	2. THE BRAINEY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THE BRAINEY
> 
> or
> 
> WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF ODYSSEUS HAD A BRAIN
> 
> Continuing the Odyssey

The cool summer breeze blew through Odysseus's hair, or. . . what was left of it. Well I guess you could say it was blowing through his ears, but that would be mean. Anyway, to get back on the subject, Odysseus was lost in deep concentration, a rarity for him. For all the years he had sailed these waters (well, not just _these_ waters but all waters in general) he had not once won a game of chess against a member of his crew. As it was at the moment he was winning.

“Look Cap'n, there be'ind ya! A three-'eaded monkey,” Tom suddenly shouted.

Odysseus quickly turned. He saw nothing.

“I don't see no three-headed monkey!” Odysseus shouted.

Turning back to the game, he found himself in a losing position.

“Ya gotta look 'arder 'an that if yer gonna see 'im Cap'n! Oh, look at this, it 'ppears as if I'm winnin', don't it zurr,” Tom said modestly.

Odysseus felt himself beginning to get angry. Finishing the game,

Odysseus got up from his seat and stomped off to his cabin to sulk for the

rest of the day.

“It jes' don't seem no fair!” yelled Odysseus.

“Who said life was fair?” came the mysterious voice, “I always win at chess, but tic-tac-toe is not my game. By the way, can you stand on your head?”

“Who said that? No, I can't seem to stand on my head,” Odysseus yelled. His throat was beginning to hurt for yelling so much.

“Who are any of us?” came the voice.

This gave Odysseus something to think on.

“Deep,” he said, “So who are we, and, while yer at it, where do we come from?”

“Well, ya see, I have a theory that goes along with this. It goes like this: We exist, and pigs exist, so therefore we are pigs. No, that's not it. How did that go again. . . . .”

Odysseus took this moment to interrupt.

“Well then, where do pigs come from?”

“I. . . have no idea,” said the voice, “but you are descended from apes! You know, evolution. Unfortunately, your mind hasn't quite evolved yet. That's why I'm here.”

Odysseus was not prepared for what came next.

“Where am I?” thought Odysseus. He sat up.

“Woah, what a strange dream!” Odysseus related.

“That was no dream! I have personally increased your brain capacity by six hundred googol percent. You are now about as smart as the average rocket scientist,” said the mysterious voice as it echoed off to oblivion.

“Cool!” said Odysseus.

Three days later , Odysseus had armored Watrlogd and set up so many automatic weapons aboard, that he was now in a position in which he could take over the world.

Odysseus sat up. The wind had changed. In approximately two seconds, Odysseus had figured the wind had shifted six degrees to the east. Suddenly, a form fell from the crow's nest. The corpse, which he had discovered to be Hoggs, had a paper clutched in it's right hand. The left hand, he had found, was badly mutilated and all the fingers were cut off from the knuckles. Odysseus took the paper from Hoggs, then pushed him over. Opening the parchment, Odysseus read aloud:

CONTEST!

A GREAT CONTEST!

A REALLY GREAT CONTEST!

Odysseus skipped down the page a little way.

A REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY GREAT CONTEST!

He skipped down further.

PRIZES AWARDED

SPONSORED BY THE INSTITUTE OF THE GODS

He skipped up the page a little.

A BRAIN CONTEST

HELD ON MOUNT OLYMPUS

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE

ABOUT NOONISH--ON TUESDAY, APRIL XI

Odysseus took up the offer immediately.

One week later, April XI, Odysseus, along with his “team” - Percival, Bull Weavel and Tom, was on the top of the mountain Olympus. Several other teams had showed for the event. Among these were the Minotaur, the Laistrygones, the Lotus Eaters, and the Cyclopes. The contest started at precisely noonish. The crew of Watrlogd was ready for every team.

They clubbed the Minotaur, made the Laistrygones eat dirt (instead of flesh), smoked the Lotus Eaters, and eyed the Cyclopes.

Before they knew it, team Watrlogd had beaten every team but one. Zeus, Poseidon, Hermes, in a wheel chair (to which Odysseus's team had broken out laughing), and Hercules appeared to represent the gods.

The contest had begun!

The announcer thought it wise to let the gods go first.

“What is the capital of France?”

“Paris, I made it!” yelled Zeus.

“Correct. Now it is team Watrlogd's turn. Who is Baloney?”

“A great big purple dinosaur that loves kids!” said Bull Weavel.

At this, he turned to Tom and whispered, “I saw him this morning!”

Three hours and a whole lot of questions later:

“Who is an extremely strong person. . . “ asked the announcer.

“Me!” shouted Herc.

“That is incorrect. Now it is team Watrlogd's turn. I will repeat the

question. Who is an extremely strong person in mind, not strength?”

“Our deer. . er. . dear Cap'n, Odysseus,” said Bull Weavel.

“Kiss up! Kiss up!” shouted Tom.

A blow to the temple, delivered by Bull, knocked him out.

A “short” while later, the score was six-hundred and two to sixh- undred

with Watrlogd winning.

“Oh my gosh, what _is_ that? It looks like a three-headed monkey!” yelled Hermes.

Odysseus turned, hoping to catch a glimpse of this legendary creature. When he did get back to the game, he was a point behind.

Later:

“Okay, last question to break the tie. Anyone may buzz in on this one. Whoever gets this wins the game. Hands on buzzers! Who. . .is England's folk hero?”

Percival was the first to buzz in. “Robin Hood! Robin Hood! I killed him myself with a well placed axe blow!”

“That is. . . . . . . .sort of correct. Who I was looking for in this question was”

Zeus interrupted, “King Arthur, Lord of all Britain!”

“King Arthur Lo. . . Oh, ya that's right!”

“Wait just a darn minute!” yelled Odysseus, “I am Lord of all Britain! I have the sword to prove it!”

With that he pulled out Excalibur and lopped off Herc's head.

Odysseus jumped up on the table.

“Who wants to join him in Hades's realm?” yelled Odysseus.

And that is how team Watrlogd beat the gods at their own game and gained a lot of prestige as well as a little spending money.

THE END


	3. THE NEGITEY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THE NEGITEY
> 
> or
> 
> WHAT HAPPENS WHEN ODYSSEUS'S BRAIN BENEFACTOR ASKS FOR A FAVOR
> 
> Continuing the Odyssey

“Look Skipper, it's a great big armored ship that is so heavily armed it is in a position in which it can take over the world!” said Gilligan.

“Quick little buddy, get its attention with a coconut!” replied the Skipper.

On the good ship Watrlogd, Odysseus and his men were playing a jolly

good game of croquet.

“Look Cap'n, my ball is poisoned now! Ya better watch out, I'll getcha first!” said Bull Weavel joyously.

Suddenly a coconut hurled through the air and knocked him unconscious.

“Ha! That'll teach ya ta beat me at a jolly good game o' croquet,” mocked Odysseus.

The ship sailed on, unaware of the castaways.

That night, Odysseus was sitting on board of his armored ship. “Look! That cloud looks like a three headed monkey!” He said.

“Which cloud Cap'n?” asked Bull Weavel.

“What? Oh, it's just you Bull,” said Odysseus.

“Moind if Oi 'ave a seat, Cap'n?”

“No, not at all. But hurry and take it back to your cabin because you are bothering me.”

Bull Weavel made his way across the ship and grabbed a chair. As he was walking back to his cabin, he tripped on a piece of cord, fell overboard, and drowned.

“About time!” exclaimed Odysseus.

Suddenly, the clouds changed. A funny-looking lion appeared. “Simba, you are my son and the one true king.”

Another figure appeared.

“Hey buddy, you're in the wrong cloud. Besides, lions don't talk.” The lion left, grumbling.

“Hi, Odysseus! Remember me? No? I thought you wouldn't. After all, you only heard my voice. I gave you a brain!”

It was only then that Odysseus remembered.

“Oh! Is that really you? Well, ya, thanks!”

“Listen, I didn't give you those brains for nothing. I want you to do something for me in return. You must come through this stargate and combat my arch-nemesis, the evil Nega-George. You may bring two members of your crew, now hurry!”

Odysseus quickly decided on Percival and Tom. After briefing them of

their mission, he returned to the voice.

“Okay. We are now ready, we are all armed to the teeth with toothpicks, machine guns, and light sabers. We also have plenty of ammo. After looking through our luggage, we found some army clothes and some really cool camouflage berets!”

“All right. Now step through the gate. And remember: this may hurt.”

“What do you mean this might hur. . ?”

Odysseus woke laying face down on the ground. He could hear two people

quietly conversing nearby.

“Spock. Analysis.”

“They appear to be highly illogical beings, Captain.”

“Set phasers on shake n' bake.”

Odysseus had heard enough. He quickly stood up and sprayed the general area in a hail of hot lead. He could see two shapes sprawled on the ground just a few feet away. One of them feebly touched a little doohickey on his chest and began to speak.

“Beam me up, Scotty!”

Suddenly, they disappeared. Odysseus sat around for a short while until his two companions began to feel better. They slowly got up and walked towards the east.

“Cap'n, wots that up 'head?” asked Tom.

“It appears to be a camp of mushrooms, Captain,” said Percival.

“Let's go see if they are friendly,” Odysseus suggested.

Approaching the camp they indeed found the inhabitants to be mushroom

men. Odysseus continued to walk straight into the camp.

“Hi!” he said friendly.

“Hi!” said a mushroom.

“I am Odysseus, this is Percy, and over there, the one setting fire to your tent, is Tom. So who are you?”

“I am a member of the MMFSOWPFAGSBOMA, as is everybody else here. Except for the slave, of course.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” asked Tom.

“Mushroom men from a small out of the way planet in a far away galaxy several billions of miles away. We just call each other “brother”. We are in charge of building a monastery on this planet.” Brother Mushroom #1 then clapped his hands.

“So, how would you like something to eat and drink?”

“That would be great!” replied Odysseus.

“Can I just call you ABODHs?” asked Tom.

“Sure.” said Brother Mushroom #2.

“What is _that_ supposed to mean?” asked Percival of Tom.

With a big grin on his face, Tom answered. “A bunch of dead heads.”

An old Chinese man walked out of a nearby tent with a tray of food. Odysseus could immediately tell that the man's name was Huang, due to the

phrase on his shirt tag which simply stated: MADE IN CHINA. Right then Odysseus resolved that this man would be rescued that night.

At about midnight, Odysseus woke his crew. Together, they snuck into the mushroom cult's campsite. Carefully, he crawled into Huang's tent and woke him. After all of Huang's earthly belongings were gathered they left the camp just as dawn was breaking.

With Huang's wonderfully messed-up sense of direction, they finally reached the palace of the evil Nega-George.

Carefully, they snuck into the well-to-do dwelling and became hopelessly lost in the maze of corridors and hallways. Finally, they emerged from the maze into a large court. Many people were sitting in the bleachers watching a basketball game between the Minotaur and the Lotus Eaters. Swiftly, the crew of armed and desperate men crossed the court, fouling anybody that got in their way with the trigger on their guns. They passed through the door they found on the other side of the court and found themselves in a huge throne room. A figure was huddled in the throne. As Odysseus and company approached the figure looked up.

“I sense you are of the light side of the force,” the figure said softly, “Come to the dark side. There is power, more power than anybody could ever hold!”

“My goodness man, you're mad! Get a hold of yourself! The veins in your neck are beginning to bulge out!” said Tom.

“Well I'll be the son of a monkey's uncle!” exclaimed Odysseus, “Anyway, I have been sent to overthrow your evil and twisted rule by the mysterious voice, Nega-George!”

“That idiot! The strange and mysterious voice again baffles me with his procedure to eliminate me. He always seems to get on my nerves! Well, what else did he say?” asked Nega-George.

“He said, and I quote, I am better than that dumber-than-advertised old Nega-George,” lied Odysseus, “unquote.”

“No, no! That is not right. I, I am number one!” yelled the furious Nega-George.

Quickly, the fast-thinking Huang spoke up.

“Well, most honorable sir, you look like number two to me.”

“Chinese wise man, ha!, more like Chinese wise-guy!” said Percival, barely able to stifle his laughter.

Suddenly, Odysseus spoke up. “ETS!”

With that he activated a thermos-detonator and threw it in the general

direction of Nega-George. Trying to avoid the bomb, Nega-George stood up and started running. Unfortunately, he stepped on a misplaced roller skate and slid off into the pit of eternal and endless woe. To throw a double whammy, the bomb rolled in after him.

“I say chap, what an awful fate that was. I say captain, what did those letters that you yelled stand for?” asked Percival.

“Eat This Scum,” replied Odysseus.

Suddenly, a voice appeared. “Odysseus, thank you for destroying the evil Nega-George. I can now take my kingdom back over.”

With this, Apollo appeared in the throne. “It was I who gave you brains and had you destroy the evil Nega-George. Again, thank you. I am in your debt.”

“Just give us a little pocket money and we can call it fifty-fifty.” replied Odysseus.

Odysseus was given some money to split with his crew and then returned to his ship.

THE END

The moral of the story:

Don't leave toys on the floor--somebody is always bound to get hurt!


	4. THE OBESITY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THE OBESITY
> 
> or
> 
> What exactly is an Obese-begone flower?
> 
> (continuing the Odyssey)

“Wotr'e ye perfer, Cap'n Odyss'us?”

“I'll 'ave the....aaaahh..ummm...geeee... What do ya suggest?”

“Oh, oi doan't know Cap'n, ya betr 'urry along though as of the men are gettin' kinda restless.”

“In that case....ummmm....ahhh...duhhhh....uhhhh....I'll 'ave..the ....uhhh..oh, jest gimme wot ya got.”

As Odysseus was heading for a seat, someone jumped up in front of him, grabbed their chest, then died of a massive heart attack due to the consumption of raw materials from the mess hall. Odysseus finally took his seat next to Percival and Tom.

“Oh, hi, Cap'n!” said Tom politely.

“Cap'n, why did you get the special? Never, never, get the special!” screamed Percival.

“Don't 'ave a cow an' a 'alf, Percy!” replied Odysseus.

“Captain, I'm serious, deadly serious. Look over there, at Whotsisname!”

Odysseus turned to look at Whotsisname. Whotsisname was silently wondering why he had a tendency to drool so much when he saw his captain staring at him. As he placed his tray on the rack he began to feel queasy in the intestinal area. Suddenly a large creature burst out of his stomach and began to tap dance. Odysseus turned, pale-faced, to stare at Tom and Percival.

“Wot did 'e 'ave?”

“The special,” said Tom sarcastically.

“Naaaaaahh, must 'ave been 'e was swimmin' after 'e ate,” Odysseus reassured himself. Without thinking, Odysseus took a bite out of his Brfbrgr, the day's special.

“Captain, you ate the special!” screamed Percival.

“Doan't worry Cap'n, we'll get yer up ta yer cabin,” reassured Tom. In bed, Odysseus began to have an eerie feeling creep over him; like he was inflating. Then he fell asleep.

When Odysseus awoke, he dressed then walked outside. It was well after

noon. Odysseus wondered why it was so hard to move around, when he discovered his crew staring at him.

“Cap'n, wot's the matt'r?” asked Mat

“The special,” said Tom.

“Captain Odysseus, well I never,” said Justin.

“More like Captain Obesseus!” joked Phil.

Odysseus pulled out his huge sword, Excalibur, and lopped off Phil's,

and Justin's heads (although not necessarily in that order).

“Fin'ly, an excuse to kill 'em!” he said under his breath.

“Cap'n, 'ure 'uge!”

Odysseus's temper raged. Again he swung his sword. Unfortunately, Jason was ready, so he ducked so as of not to get his head split. Again, Odysseus swung (although this time it was more of a low chop than an actual swing) and chopped off Jason's legs. Odysseus then pushed him overboard.

“All right, who's next?”

“I say chap, why don't you just look in the mirror?” suggested Percival.

“What? Yea, well, I guess that would work. I'll try it.” Odysseus went back to his cabin and attempted a glance into the mirror, which immediately fractured. But, before it did, Odysseus caught a glimpse of the biggest figure he had ever seen.

Suddenly, the door burst open, and Aronic walked in.

“Captain, the men have informed me to your. . . ahem. . . little predicament. I have consulted my books, and the only cure is the Obese-begone lower which grows to the south.”

Immediately, Odysseus burst out of his cabin and yelled at the

steersman. “Set sail fer Waka island!”

Within three hours of dawn, the crew had come to their destination.

“Waka island straightaways!” A loud crash introduced their ship to the coast.

“Alright, break into two groups of four. I will take Tom, Percival, and Aronic. Drull, you take Mat, Layne, and Obi Ben. The rest of ya stay 'ere.”

The two groups rowed to the island where they split up, each heading in

opposite directions.

Percival peered over a group of bushes about fifty feet from the ship.

“All right Captain, the chaps have gone.”

“Okay men, but be quiet, and keep a low profile.”

Mat was whistling as he was chopping through the bushes with his Cutlass. The group, which Drull had dubbed “The Rebels”, had decided to travel towards the center of the island. Had Mat looked five feet to his right, he would have found a path which clearly led to their destination. Unfortunately, his headphones had him all psyched up at the moment.

“We should be there in a few hours, Drool.”

“Hey, that's Cap'n ta ye and me name is Drull!”

“Okay Drool, we've reached the tippy-top o' the island!”

Before Drull could chastise Mat, Layne came bounding up the path waving a small flower. “Look Drool, I've found it! I found the Obese-begone flower!”

“Quick, give it to me! I deserve the credit!”

“NOT!” As Drull began to fight with Layne, he was pincushioned with several hundred arrows. He fell silently to the earth.

A horde of small, bear-like creatures appeared. “Hey, what do you call something that is green and red and goes three hundred miles an hour?”

“A really strange looking convertible?” guessed Tom.

“No, a frog in a blender! Waka, Waka!”

“We're the Fozzies! We are going to kill you all! Waka, Waka!”

The small group was prepared for the rush. The first to be pulled down was Mat, but only by weight of sheer numbers. Even as it was, he took out several of the Fozzies.

Obi Ben and Layne were caught up between a rock and the small, soft Fozzies.

“Run, see if you can make it back to the ship!” yelled Obi Ben, “And may the force be with you.”

“You must be mad! You couldn't hope to live against these things for five minutes!” answered Layne.

“No, but I can take them with me!”

With that Obi Ben charged into the center of the attack. Immediately, he was drug under, but he emerged from the tangle arcing his sword in a wide semi-circle lopping off all sorts of parts off of the Fozzies.

Layne began to run through the small, furry, and armed-to-the-teeth Fozzies, for it was the last wish of Obi Ben. As Layne ran, he found himself running into large patrols of the Fozzies. He made his way through, with perhaps a little more violence than should have been used in a situation like this, using one or more of the following array of weapons: nitroglycerin, swinging back kicks followed by two roundhouses and a reverse punch/backfist combination, pro-atomic weapons, lightning bombs, mustard gas, Yellow #10 and/or Mono-sodium-glutamate.

In any circumstance, Layne made it back to the ship alive, healthy, and with several hundred calories burned from the five-hour run back. Aronic mixed and administered the antidote to Odysseus.

“I've been saved! Wait, nothing is happening! What's wrong?”

“Captain, I'm afraid I have some bad news, the book says. . .ahem. . . and I quote, 'The Fozzies will run the pounds off o' ya'” said Aronic, “unquote.”

And so Odysseus was doomed to exercise for the rest of his life.

That could have happened, but what about this?:

In any circumstance, Layne made it back to the ship alive, healthy, and with several hundred calories burned from the five-hour run back. Aronic mixed and administered the antidote to Odysseus.

“I've been saved! I'm shrinking! Wait! I'm shrinking too much! Aaahhhhhhh!”

“Captain, sad news I'm afraid. We must now seek out the small-begone flower, but you must pick it. For in the book it states, will in a simplified meaning, if you sit on your end while someone is doing the job for you, you do not get the benefits.”

So, which one is right? You figure it out.

THE END?


	5. The Alieniad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Alieniad
> 
> or
> 
> What came first, the alien or the cow?
> 
> Continuing the Odyssey

Layne awoke in a cold sweat. This was the fifth time that same dream had occurred. He sat up and began to rub his throbbing head. He then noticed an eerie blue mist floating into his room. It began to collect at the foot of his bed. It slowly began to take the form of Drull.

“No!”

Layne awoke in a cold sweat. This was the fifth time that same dream had occurred. He sat up and began to rub his throbbing head. He then noticed an eerie blue mist floating into his room. It began to collect at the foot of his bed. It slowly began to take a form.

“ _Deja vu_ ,” exclaimed Layne.

The mist, after a little coaxing on Layne's behalf, took the form of Obi Ben, Layne's mentor who had died protecting him from the Fozzies.

“Hello Layne, I have come to help you complete your training. You must learn the _Schenken-Blitz_ technique. Only then will you

become the highest in your field of karate.”

“B. .b. .but I thought you were dead!” Layne stammered.

“The Fozzies didn't realize that when they struck me down, they would only accomplish the task of making me more powerful. Too bad you ran away so quickly though, you should have seen the mess that was left over.”

“So when do I begin my training?”

“Now.”

The next morning, Odysseus awoke. He had dreamt of a large marshmallow, and for some reason, he was full and he couldn't find

his pillow anywhere. He dressed then walked out onto the deck.

“Mornin' Cap'n!”

Odysseus stumbled past his crew to the restroom on the other side of the ship. He came out a little later feeling refreshed and

ready to tackle anything. Suddenly, lights began to flash in the sky. A large rotating disk landed on the ship. When the door opened, a small staircase

descended. A large four-legged creature with a bell hanging around it's neck stepped out onto the staircase. It appeared to be looking around.

“Hi, I'm the leader of this ship. Do you want to see me?” Odysseus managed to croak out.

The creature, which looked very much like a modern day cow, regarded them as if it had just seen them. It jumped back into the

ship and took off.

The crew of Watrlogd knew they had witnessed a front-page headline for the National Enquirer.

Layne walked out of his cabin and looked around. “What's all the commotion about?”

“Aliens from another planet landed, then took off.

“Oh.” He went back into his cabin.

“Hey Cap'n, didn't we jes' witness an 'udder'ly wun'erful

experience?” Pun giggled.

“Pun, that's not funny.”

“Sorry Cap'n, I guess you could say oi jes 'ave an. . . 'udder'ly different sense o' humor!”

“Pun!”

Layne walked out of his cabin and looked around.

“What's all the commotion about?”

“ _Deja vu_!”

“Aliens from an 'udder' planet, I guess they were 'udder' worldly creatures, landed an' took off.”

“Pun!”

“Oi. . .'ear' ya Cap'n. Hahahahahahaha!”

Rolling with laughter, Pun went overboard.

Suddenly, lights began to flash in the sky. A large rotating disk landed on the ship. When the door opened, a small staircase

descended. A large four-legged creature with a bell hanging around it's neck stepped out onto the staircase. It appeared to be looking around.

“Is that the alien Cap'n?” asked Layne.

“Well, yes.”

“Oh, well les' jes' see if it's friendly. With that Layne walked over to the spaceship and climbed up the steps.

“Oh no! Layne will be 'udder'ly destroyed,” Pun yelled as he

climbed back up onto the ship.

Huang crawled over to Pun and “accidentally” knocked him overboard.

“Thanks!” everyone yelled simultaneously, yet not at the same time.

A door opened and Layne walked out. He walked over to the

spaceship and jumped inside.

“Oh no! Layne will be 'udder'ly destroyed,” Pun yelled as he climbed back up onto the ship.

Huang crawled over to Pun and “accidentally” knocked him

overboard.

“ _Deja vu_!” everyone yelled simultaneously, yet not at the same time.

The stairway to the spaceship began to close. The ship lit up and lifted itself into the wild blue yonder.

“Now what?!?” asked Layne as he came out of his cabin.

Suddenly, lights began to flash in the sky. A large rotating disk landed on the ship. When the door opened, a small staircase

descended. A large four-legged creature with a bell hanging around it's neck stepped out onto the staircase. It appeared to be looking around.

“Hi, I'm the leader of this ship. Do you want to see me?” Odysseus managed to croak out.

The creature, which looked very much like a modern day cow, regarded them as if it had just seen them. It jumped back into the

ship and took off.

Matrim Powell walked out of his cabin, as did Phil-ip.

“ _Deja vu_!” exclaimed Phil-ip.

“What does that mean?” asked Matrim.

“Well,” Phil-ip began, “it means that something that has just happened has happ.. . what's that?” Suddenly, lights began to flash in the sky. A large rotating disk landed on the ship. When the door opened, a small staircase descended. A large four-legged creature with a bell hanging around it's neck stepped out onto the staircase. It appeared to be looking around.

“Hi, I'm the leader of this ship. Do you want to see me?” Odysseus managed to croak out.

The creature, which looked very much like a modern day cow, regarded them as if it had just seen them. It jumped back into the

ship and took off.

“ _Deja vu_!” exclaimed Phil-ip.

“What does that mean?” asked Matrim.

“Well,” Phil-ip began, “it means that something that has just happened has happened before.”

“ _Deja vu_!” exclaimed Matrim.

Odysseus looked up from his shelter. “I 'ope 'e don't come down agin,” he said.

“I wouldn't be ta sure Cap'n!” yelled Matrim.

“Yea Cap'n, looks loik our 'udder' friends 're cumin' back!” Suddenly, lights began to flash in the sky. A large rotating disk landed on the ship. When the door opened, a small staircase descended. A large four-legged creature with a bell hanging around it's neck stepped out onto the staircase. It appeared to be looking around.

“Hi, I'm the leader of this ship. Do you want to see me?” Odysseus managed to croak out.

The creature, which looked very much like a modern day cow, regarded them as if it had just seen them. It jumped back into the

ship and took off.

Layne walked out of his cabin and looked around. “What's all the commotion about?”

Suddenly, lights began to flash in the sky. A large rotating disk landed on the ship. When the door opened, a small staircase

descended. A large four-legged creature with a bell hanging around it's neck stepped out onto the staircase. It appeared to be

looking around.

“Is that the alien Cap'n?” asked Layne.

“Well, yes.”

“Oh, well les' jes' see if it's friendly.”

“Oh no! Layne will be 'udder'ly destroyed,” Pun yelled as he climbed back up onto the ship.

Huang crawled over to Pun and “accidentally” knocked him overboard.

“ _Deja vu_!” everyone yelled simultaneously, yet not at the same time.

As Layne began to walk over to the spaceship, he had a thought. He stopped.

“Wait! I've done this before!” With that, Layne walked back into his cabin.

Again, the ship landed.

“ _Deja vu_!” everyone yelled simultaneously, yet not at the same time.

Again, the ship landed.

“ _Deja vu_!” everyone yelled simultaneously, yet not at the same time.

“Quick, get me somethin', anythin', a three-'eaded monkey even,” yelled Odysseus, “But seriously folks, get me Percival, check 'is cabin.”

Huang ran into Percival's cabin, stayed a minute, then ran out holding a scrap of parchment clutched in his hand. “Captain, most honorable sir, it appears Percival has left us for the time being.”

Odysseus took off his hat, held it to his chest, and bowed his head.

“Poor, poor Percival. It was befer th' feller's time.”

“No, no, not that way. 'E. . ahem. . now you've gotten me talking like you. . . He has left a note.”

“He must 'ave written it befer 'e departed ta the other side.”

“Captain, the note says that he is taking a basket of goodies and a TV guide to his grandmother.”

“Th' wolf must 'ave got 'im.”

“Your hopeless Odysseus!”

“Poor, poor Percival. I remember when 'e was jes' a little cabin boy.” Huang left Odysseus to cry by himself.

Layne had nearly completed his training for the _Schenken-Blitz_ when Matrim and Phil-ip burst into the room.

“Hi, Layne!”

“Bye, Layne!”

With that they picked him up and ran out to the spaceship. The ship took off. “Quick, follow that ship!”

Watrlogd groaned as it turned. The ship took off under full sail to rescue Layne.

“Cap'n, isn't that the island that we found that flower on?” Tom asked.

“It certainly looks like it,” said Aronic.

“Oi wasn't askin' ya! O; was askin' the cap'n!”

“Cap'n, isn't that the island that we found that flower on?” Tom asked.

“It certainly looks like it,” said Aronic.

“Oi wasn't askin' ya! Oi was askin' the cap'n!”

“ _Deja vu_!” exclaimed Aronic.

“It looks like the island doesn't it Tom,” said Odysseus.

A large crash announced their ship to the coastline.

“Alright, break inta two groups of four. I will take Tom, Percival, and Aronic. Drull, you take Mat, Layne, and Obi Ben. The rest of ya stay 'ere.”

“ _Deja vu_! Like from the Obesity even!”

“But Cap'n, Percival has departed to his grandmother's house, Drull is now a pincushion, and Mat saved Layne's life with his, as did Obi Ben. None o' them can't 'elp ya none.”

“I wouldn't be too sure about that,” said Obi Ben.

“Obster, wot are ya doin' 'ere. Oi thought ya died, “yelled Scott.

“Don't call me that!”

Blue fire spurted forth from Obi Ben's fingers, setting fire to Scott. Scott shrieked, then jumped overboard. Before he hit the water, he had turned to a pile of ashes.

“I'm going not matter what any of you say!” yelled Obi Ben.

“Alright then, we will 'ave one group. Me, Tom, Obi Ben, and Aronic. The small, yet capable group rowed to the island.

“Does anyone know which way they went?” asked Odysseus.

“I can show you where the fozzies ambushed us,” replied Obi Ben.

“Then lead on chap!”

“Who said that?” asked Odysseus.

“I did.” Percival walked up to the group.

“Ah, Percy. You have come back to give us a message from the other side. I miss ya pal!” sobbed Odysseus.

“Uh, Captain, chap, I am not dead. I jest went to see my grandmother. I had to take her a basket of goodies and a _TV Guide_. By the way caps, wot are you doing?”

“Well,” replied Tom, “a spaceship landed and Layne was kidnapped--the spaceship brought him here. We followed, and are now here to rescue him.”

“Oh, well then chaps, wot are we standing around here for? Let's go!”

Several hours showed little progress. “Cap'n, ow cum we're hackin' an' slashin' through all of this stuff when there's a path jes five feet to the right?”

“What Tom? A path? No, I've already looked for one and this looks like the only alternative to finding one, so we are going all the way to the top.”

Suddenly, their path opened into a large clearing. “I remember this!” exclaimed Obi Ben.

In the center of the clearing was a cauldron with Layne, Matrim, and Phil-ip in it. Surrounding the cauldron were the fozzies. Tom sneezed.

“Bless you,” said a voice behind them. They all turned to see a large group of Fozzies.

“Now wot are we going to do chaps?” asked Percival. Odysseus woke to find himself as well as the rest of the group

in a cage awaiting their turn to be boiled. The Fozzy guards turned to see them.

“Hey, what do you call something that is green and red and goes three hundred miles per hour?”

“A really strange looking convertible?

guessed Tom.

“No, a frog in a blender! Waka, Waka.”

“Woah, _Deja vu_!” exclaimed Tom.

Another Fozzy began to walk towards them. He appeared to be in charge.

“Ahhh... Captain Odysseus.. I remember meeting you, yes....”

“What do ya mean? Meeting me?”

“Yes...”

“But...where?”

“Ahhh...that's right. You've never seen a Fozzy before...but perhaps, yes perhaps, you would remember my other form.”

With that he pulled off his head and took off the body suit which he was in.

“Gasp....it's Brother Mushroom #1!” screamed Tom.

“That's right little mister I'll set-your-tent-on-fire! Just wait until I set fire to the wood which will boil the water in the cauldron that you will be in! Hahaha!” Brother Mushroom #1 walked away laughing to himself.

“Now wot are we going to do chaps!” asked Percival.

“ _Deja vu_ ,” said Tom.

The next morning, Layne, Matrim, and Phi-ip were being prodded to join Odysseus in the cage. When Phil-ip and Matrim had entered the cage, they immediately apologized for their actions and exclaimed that they had been possessed. Everyone but Obi Ben and Layne were all huddled into the corner planning their escape. As for Layne and Obi Ben, they were practicing the _Schenken-Blitz_ technique in the other end of the cage.

“Okay, now first, we have to get out of the cage, then we have to destroy their spaceship, and then we have to get back to our ship. Any ideas to get out of this cage?”asked Odysseus. “We could use these metal cutters which my grandmother gave me,” suggested Percival. “They are in my basket. Oooops, I forgot, when we were captured they took my basket.”

“Obi Ben, could ya cum' 'ere fer a minute?” asked Tom.

“Sure.”

“Okay, Obi, could you get that little basket over there?”

“Sure. Just a minute.”

Obi Ben raised his hands up and began to concentrate on the guards. Suddenly, one of the guards turned. He had taken off his disguise. Obi Ben whispered to him to bring the basket over. The mushroom man walked over, retrieved the basket, and walked back to the cage. He handed the basket to Obi Ben, who, in turn, handed it to Tom, who, in turn, handed it to Percival.

“Aaahhh....Here it is. Hold on to your hats chaps, I'll have us out of here in two shakes of a three-headed monkey's tail.”

Three hours later, Percival had most of the cage cut in a way so that they could easily escape when necessary.

“There Captain, it's all done,” said Percival. At that precise moment, the mushroom cult members walked leisurely to the cage.

“It is time. The stars are lined up in the correct form. Ha, what do you think Captain. I'm going to personally send you and

your friends to the netherworld!”

“But I thought you were going to boil us,” whined Matrim.

“Well. . . umm. . . yes, we are going to boil you, then send you to the netherworld. That way you will never foil my plans again!”

Percival gave out a shout then threw his arms up. “No you won't!” He pushed open the door to the cage. Stampeding through the door they all managed to trample Brother Mushroom #4.

Almost immediately, the group had been pulled down by mushrooms and fozzies alike. “Now we've gotcha!”

“No you don't!” shouted Layne, _Schenken-Blitz_!” Lightning split the sky as it streaked down over the heads of the fozzies and mushrooms. Any created hit with the deadly bolt turned into a large pig; then ran around squealing until they fell off a cliff or into a river, or something of the sort. On top of this it started raining large hogs and wild boars.

“Woa, it's really rainin' pigs out 'ere!” shouted Tom.

In the confusion, the group ran out of the camp into a small alcove formed into the rocks. “Well Captain, first item down, what next?”asked Percival.

“Now, we must destroy their spaceship.”

“Well, 'ow 're we s'posed ta do that?” asked Tom.

“Do you have anything left in that basket of yours, Percival?” asked Layne.

“Not much, just these highly explosive fuels my grandma gave me and these detailed instructions on how to build a bomb, which I found on the Internet.”

“Ohhh, is that all?”

“Yea, that's it.”

After several minutes of thinking, the small team came up with a wonderful and not-so harmful way to destroy the flying vessel. “Okay, Phil-ip, you run in an' sabotage their computers, then you run out,” said Odysseus.

“But Cap'n, why don't we jes' build a bomb an' blow the ship into the middle of the next millennium?” asked Phil-ip.

“Oi still say my idear was the best. Les jes go 'ome an' leave it fer someone else,” suggested Matrim.

“Well Phil-ip, if ya really wan' to blow the ship, then why don't ya jes do it?”

“Gee Cap'n, da ya really mean it?”

“Sure, go right ahead, an' don't let us bother ya none. . . Are ya done yet?”

“No Cap'n.”

“Are ya done now?”

“No Cap'n.”

“How 'bout now?”

“ _Deja vu_ , Cap'n.”

“Are ya done yet?”

“Now I'm done Cap'n, a quick twenty minute bomb. Guaranteed to detonate in twenty minutes. So, who wants ta do the honors?”

“I think Matrim wants to do it,” whispered Obi Ben.

“I do?” asked Matrim.

“Good then, now we 'ave a volunteer. Okay I managed to get this map of the spaceship as we were runnin' through the camp. Now Matrim, may I call you Mat?, good good, well then Mat, first you run down this passage. Then ya make a right 'ere an' a left 'ere. When ya get 'ere do a double spinning backflip and land do the splits. An' don't ferget that when ya get 'ere to order a pizza and deliver it 'ere,” said Odysseus.

Before Matrim knew it, he was being pushed out of the small alcove.

“'Ow did oi get out 'ere? I doan't 'member volunteerin' fer this job.”

All the way to the spaceship he was trying to justify that he had never volunteered for this job. That is, until he came to the spaceship. Luckily, it was at the other end of the island so he didn't have to go through the camp.

“Is this the ship then? Hmmmm. . it doan't look so bad.”

He walked up to the suspended stairway and climbed into the ship.

As he steeped into the ship, there was no sign of anyone or anything. He began to walk down the right passageway when he remembered that he had forgotten to order a pizza.

“Oh well.” He then took a left at the end of the hall. He then turned around and began to moonwalk down the hall. He even moonwalked right past the motion detectors. Then he found himself in a large room full of lasers. Not noticing them, he followed his instructions.

“Well, let's see. Double back flip followed by the splits. Alright then, alley oop.” He made it past the lasers and landed with a perfect 4.0 landing. Suddenly, a trap door opened up and swallowed him up.

“I'm faling,” he observed. When he awoke, he found himself in a small puddle of water. He cursed his dumb luck, then stood and began to look around the room.

“Wot is this place?”

“This is the main control room, foolish one!” A heavy object hammered into his side, throwing him off balance. Matrim stood up to look at the object which had hit him.

“Look it's a large cow. Yea, that's nice. Hee Hee!”

“So, how long did it take you to figure that out you lousy mushroom?”

“Why are you attacking me?”

“Because I hate your kind, mushroom, and I can see right through your disguise, no matter how ugly it is.”

“Why do ya hate mushrooms?”

“Because they stole my ship. And I'm going to blow them to kingdom-come in a minute.”

“But why did ya attack me then?”

“Aren't you a mushroom?”

“No.”

“Oh, well then, terribly sorry.”

“Can I cum with ya an' shoot down some o' them mushrooms?”

“Sure. There is a large gun over there.”

Matrim went over and sat down in the swivel chair. The first thing he did was to pick up the communicator and speak into it. “Gold leader, this is red leader, all fire power to the core! I always wanted to say that!”

“Are you ready to take off now?”

“Ready whenever Cap'n cow-'ead!”

The large ship took off and began to fly towards the camp. A short while later, mushrooms and pigs were pointing to the sky and screaming. The immense ship let out tons of fire power, scattering the mushrooms like flies. Then two large metallic arms ejected from the spaceship and started swatting the enemy below like flies. After several other weapons were used, the spaceship landed.

Matrim and the alien cow descended from the staircase. “Do ya want ta meat me friends?” asked Matrim.

“Yes, I would like that,” replied the cow.

Cries of pain could be heard as they neared the small alcove. Shocked, Matrim ran at top speed to the cave. “Wait here cow.”

As Matrim came closer to the small cave, the cries became clear.

“No, no, not again, Ahhhhhhh!”

“No!”

“Help!”

“Ahhhhhhh!”

Expecting a full scale fight against some really mad mushrooms, Layne burst into the cave. “Chhhhhaaarrrggggeeee!!”

“Wot'r ya doin' man?” asked Tom.

“Aren't you guys bein' attacked?”

“Ahhh. . gin! Wot are you talking about chap?” Everyone else let out an anguished sigh of defeat.

“Now whatever are you talkin' 'bout?” asked Layne.

“Well. . th-th-the screams and th-the shouts, I-I thought that. . uhhh”

“Wrong, you didn't think!” replied Layne.

“Did ya blow the ship?” asked Odysseus.

“No, well. .ahhh. . ya see, it's like this. The ship wasn't the mushroom's ship, it was the cow's. . an' 'e was gonna blow th' mushrooms ta kingdom-come an' 'e let me 'elp!”

“Hold it, hold it. Who's the cow?” Odysseus said, sounding puzzled.

“Uhh, you know, th' cow that landed on th' hull of Watrlogd.”

“So. . you and this, cow?. . destroyed the mushroom cult single handedly?!?”

“Ya, I guess so. . .”

“Prove it,” said Tom.

“'Kay oi'll take ya ta the cow! Then you'll know that oim not lyin',” replied Matrim. The cow was still waiting for the return of Matrim, along with his friends.

“Hullo, hullo, cow!” said Layne.

“I 'ope ya will excuse the expression but, HOLY COW! You were roight Matrim. But that doan't mean nuttin'. I'm still not gonna 'pologize.” said Tom.

“So, these are your friends. Hi!” said the cow.

“I say chap, is that your magnificent ship that is flying off into the wild blue yonder?” asked Percival.

“My ship!” yelled the cow.

“Look, I think I can see someone looking out of the window! It's, yes it is, it's that Brother Mushroom #1 , leader of the cult,” shouted Obi Ben, “Why are you smiling like that Matrim? This is a tragedy!”

“Are ya sure? I know somethin' you doan't know!

“And what would that be?” asked Tom.

“I left Phil-ip's bomb on the ship. It's timed to blow any second know!” Everyone turned to watch the ship. Suddenly it erupted into

a shower of flames. The sky lit up into a myriad of fireworks.

“How romantic,” stated Matrim, “But, wait, how will you get home cow?”

“Well, I have a special device in case of small problems like this. With it, I can call the mother ship!” With that, he pulled out a small box and pushed the only button on it. Almost immediately, the sky was lit up as bright as day and a huge ship hovered above.

“Well, here it is,” said the space cow.

“Oim gonna miss ya,” sobbed Matrim.

“That's okay, I'll write to you.”

A small teleportation beam came down; cow stepped into it. As he was being beamed up, he waved to the small group. They waved back.

Suddenly, a blackened form hurled through the air and struck the mother ship. It went hurling into the ocean. The group turned

around to walk back to their ship. Suddenly, Matrim spoke up.

“If that cow feller was a boy, would he be a space cow-boy? Hahahahaha!”

The crew turned and stared at Matrim, for he was pulling off his face. When he was done, the face of Pun was revealed.”Get him men!” yelled Odysseus.

The group chased Pun into the sunrise which signified the end of the reign of Brother Mushroom #1 and his ruthless cult.

THE END


	6. THE ODDYSEY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THE ODDYSEY
> 
> \- or -
> 
> How odd is odd?
> 
> CONTINUING THE ODYSSEY

All names, faces, ideas, and adventures in this story are purely imaginative, and likenesses to real life are purely coincidental. If, however, a likeness is found, the names have been changed to protect the innocent. The author is not responsible for loss of hair, hoarse voices, or any other thing that may be a result of this story, except, of course, money.

The effect that the rolling waves had created by crashing upon the smooth hull of the ship Watrlogd was only intensified by the tremendous wind and sheet-like rain. Lightning danced across the sky as thunder beat against the clouds. Aside from these facts of nature, it was a bright, cheerful day.

"C'mon ya spineless cretins! We've gotta make it through th' storm. We're low on supplies, we've gotta make th' port. Pull those ropes! Keep those supplies tied down! Swab th' decks!" yelled Odysseus.

On deck, Phil was also issuing orders.

"Pull, keep those ropes tight, put your back into it!"

"But if I do that, I'll have a bad back when I'm an old man!" replied Jackson.

Without warning a rope snapped, sending Jackson head over heels and overboard. Acting upon a whim, Phil dived in after him. As he hit water, Phil was assaulted by the cold. Of course, Jackson's flailing limb's didn't help either. Several minutes later, Jackson calmed down as he slipped into unconsciousness. Phil caught hold of Jackson and began paddling back to the ship. A voice drifted over the rough waters towards Phil. He grasped it and, in the process, dropped Jackson. Phil convinced himself that he was doing a favor for Jackson by letting him drown, then he set off swimming towards the voice. After paddling for what seemed like an eternity, Phil came upon the remains of a shipwreck. He could see a young girl holding onto, what appeared to be, a large brown yak. Upon further inspection, he found it to be the remains of a large, brown, mouse-shaped bumper car. Phil swam over to the wreck and clutched onto the bumper of the bumper car.

"I heard you yelling, what seems to be the problem?" he asked.

"The storm came up and wrecked our ship, please help me," she answered.

"Where is everybody else?"

"I think they drowned."

"Are you sure?"

"Pretty."

"Yes you are, but are you sure that everybody else drowned?"

"Yes."

"What is your reasoning?"

"I drowned them."

"Oh. . . well, let me take you back to Watrlogd."

"Watrlogd?"

"My ship."

"Your ship is Watrlogd?"

"Why yes it is. If your all done, we can go. Just put your arms on my shoulders and hold tight!"

"No! I can look after myself!"

With that she jumped into the water. In the process, she did three perfect backflips, two not so perfect frontal flips, and then belly flopped and knocked herself unconscious. Phil dove, caught her, then swam back to the ship with the girl in tow.

Several minutes later, Phil and the nameless girl boarded the ship. He led her to a clean cabin that was set aside for guests, and left her there. He went back out on deck and noticed that the storm had stopped. He made a mental note to remember this fact and to try to figure out what it meant later. But now, he would help clean up the ship.

"Gimme some of that an' a little bit of that. Oh, what the heck, how about a little of that an' well, well now, you've got some of those scrumptious cakes again!" said Phil.

"Phil, chap, you really shouldn't eat like that. You're going to blow up like a huge blueberry, just like the captain did," said Percival.

"Oh, I think I deserve this."

"Really chap, why is that?"

"I rescued someone."

"That's great! Who is it?"

"I don't know, just some girl."

"Oh. Well, shall we take our seat?"

"Ummm, Percival?"

"Yes?"

"There is someone in our seat."

"Really? Who?"

"That person I rescued."

"Well let's go sit next to her."

"Hi Phil!" said the girl as she was joined by Percival and Phil.

"How did you know my name?"

"Oh, well, I just poked around."

"What else do you know about me?"

"That your the second mate to the captain."

"And what do you know about me?" Percival interrupted.

"Absolutely nothing."

"Really? What else?"

"Don't make me laugh! I don't even know your name."

"Well let me introduce myself, my name is Percival Prefect."

"That's nice. I'm Mell, daughter of the sister of the father of Zeus's dog's first cousin."

"And I'm Phil."

"Yes, I know."

"So, "asked Percival, "You're the daughter of a god?"

"Well, the daughter of his dog's first cousin."

"But that would make you. . . . .?"

"Part dog, yes. But I have come to terms with my backgound."

"Terms?"

"Yes, I'm being disowned next week."

"So," interrupted Phil, "Can I help you with your schedule?"

"Sure, where's the chorus class for wannabe lookouts?"

"You took THAT class?"

"It's all they had left."

"Well, I can show you where that is, if you'll just follow me?"

Phil stood up then began to escort Mell to her chorus class. Behind them Percival could be seen with his face in his hands, laughing harder than he could.

"So, they made you take the class?" asked Phil.

They were now in the hall leading to the chorus class.

"Yes."

"Well, see you at the dance tonight. The chorus class is through the door at the end of the hall."

"Sure, at the dance."

Phil ran harder than he could through the hall with echoes of 'Look Out' following him.

That night, Phil, Percival, Clint, and Teej, were leaning up against the far wall watching the couples on the dance floor.

"It's hot in here," reflected Percival.

"I know," said Phil.

"Ditto," added Clint.

"You know," began Phil, "I may just go and ask Mell to dance."

Percival immediately jumped out of his seat and ran to where Nat was standing.

"Hey Nat, guess what? Oh, well, nevermind, I'll tell you anyway. Phil wants to ask Mell to dance."

"Really? Ha! I'm going to go tell her! Oh yeah, I didn't erase Phil's ship log either, cool huh! Well, C-ya!"

Percival walked back to his seat.

"What was that all about?"

"I had to use the potty."

"What did you say to Nat?"

"Just that you wanted to dance with Mell."

"You idiot! I was going to tell her! Look, there she is laughing so hard that she's doing somersaults!"

"Quit hitting me! I'm sorry! Gee, no respect!"

They sat in silence for a minute. And a few more.

"I'm going to go ask her," said Phil.

"Gee, I think I'm going to go ask Tell to dance. I'll go with you Phil. Ready, go," said Teej.

"Good luck!" Clint yelled after him.

At the other end of the hall, Kyle, Matt, Jenn, and Kell were conversing in hushed tones.

"No, really, it's a great idea!" said Kyle

"Well. . . " said Matt.

"No more swabbin' th' decks!" said Jenn.

"Let's do it!" said Kell.

"Well, I don't know, mutiny sounds a little to exciting for my lifestyle," put in Matt.

Suddenly, Kyle pulled his pistol out and shot at Matt. Unfortunately, Matt was a wannabe cowboy who had a thing for belt buckles. Consequently, the one he had on now simply stated, 'A hubcap off a Buick that makes a great BIG buckle to ricochet bullets'. It also had a large brown yak carved into it. Choosing another form of attack, Kyle knocked Matt unconscious then pushed him out the window.

"Let's see ya float wit' dat!"

"Wot's goin' on here?" asked Odysseus as he came up.

"Well. . er. . 'e was. . ah. . talkin' 'bout mutiny! Ya, that's it!"

"Oh, well, thanks. Now, take Jenn and Kell and go swab th' decks!"

The trio stamped off in a hurry, grumbling.

"Well, you have to admit it, he did get her to dance with him. But where's Teej?" said Percival.

"Hi guys," moaned Teej as he walked up.

"What happened to you? You've got a large red mark on your cheek," said Clint.

"I think I insulted her."

"Ohh."

"Anyway though, look at Phil, he barely reaches up to her eyes and he has five inch thick soles on," said Percival.

"Ya, and she doesn't even have her shoes on!" replied Teej.

"I'm gonna go check out the eats," said Clint.

Clint left just as Phil sat down next to Percival.

"How was the dance?" asked Percival.

"Well, it would have been better, but I had a little thumb problem."

They all laughed, but moments later, Phil was in a very sober condition.

"I swear, if you tell anyone, I'm going to bite your head off!"

"Serious?"

"Look, now let's get something straight here! Whenever I say I'm serious, I'm really just kidding. But when I'm mad I don't say I'm serious."

"Serious?"

"Yes, I'm serious. . . Hey, wait a minute!"

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone."

Clint walked over to where they were seated and handed them all a menu. They simultaneously opened their menus and looked them over.

"Hey chaps, look at this, they serve the 'Village Dog'."

Together they guffawed loudly.

"An' look here, the 'Village Poor Boy'!"

"They've got everything but the village idiot!"

The night ended with crowds staring at the four friends and the large, brown yak laughing.

Phil awoke and walked out onto the deck to a get a breath of sweet, salt water. He inhaled deeply, held it, then began hacking and coughing. On the other end of the ship, Percival noted the problem and walked over to see if he could help.

"What's the matter chap?"

"Nothing, I'm fine," at a second glance from Percival, he added, "No, really!"

"Well, in that case, what do you want to do today?"

"I know! Let's go knock on Mell's window!"

"Are you kidding? She's in Franchichi Frie's chorus class!"

"Oh, c'mon, it'll be fun!"

"Oh, I don't know how you talk me into these things!"

Phil led Percival over to the window and softly tapped on it. Mell's face appeared in the surface a moment later. She waved enthusiastically. Phil waved back with two hands, giggling beyond control. With a hint of distaste, Mell disappeared.

"Let's do it again!" said Phil excitedly.

Suddenly, a large, wooly creature jumped onto the ship, ran to the other side, then leapt off.

"What the heck was that?" asked Percival.

"How am I supposed to know?" asked Phil, "Am I a dictionary? Is there a thesaurus printed on me? Am I an apple of enlightment here to enlighten you?"

"I was just askin'!"

Just then, a herd of large, wooly creatures jumped onto the ship, ran to the other side, then leapt off. Then a large hairy creature ran across and dived off.

"What the. . . .?" Phil gaped.

"That last chap was obviously a sasquash!"

"How. . .?"

"Elementary school. The words 'I'm a sasquash. I herd sheep fish.' were tattooed onto his back. So therefore, he is a sasquash and he herds sheep fish.

"Oh."

"Those other creatures were obviously the sheep fish."

"Brilliant deduction!"

"Well then chap, shall we follow them to find out who they are?"

"Let's."

"Can I go too?" asked Clint as he walked up.

"Why not!"

"Me too, me too!" yelled Tell enthusiastically as she strolled up.

"Uh, well. . ."

"And me!" said Mell as she turned a cartwheel.

"Hey, now wait one minu. . "

"You'll need me along too!" said Teej.

"Teej!"

"And of course, you'll need your good ol' Cap'n along as well!" said Odysseus who had nearly run into the group.

"Let's go then," managed Percival.

The group rowed towards the island in a small rowboat.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Kyle as he ran onto the deck waving a machine gun.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Jenn as she ran onto the deck hefting a bazooka.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I broke a nail!" screamed Kell as she ran onto the deck brandishing a butter knife.

"Where are they?" said Jenn.

"There they are!" yelled Kyle, "Go and get them Kell!"

With that he pushed her into the water. Kell swam towards the boat after she cursed Kyle twice or thrice with her whip-like tongue. The swim lasted for what seemed like an eternity. But the eternity was soon over when she was eaten by a shark. The shark then swam away. It was accidentally harpooned and released. Then it beached on a small island where it was fed to thousands of starving villagers. So, in her own way, Kell saved thousands of lives.

Disgusted, Jenn and Kyle turned to walk across the deck. On the way, they tripped over a taught cord and fell overboard. They drowned and fed thousands of starving fish. So, in it's own way, justice was served.

Back on the island, Percival was hacking through an immense foliage when he fell down and bruised his knee.

"Percival, are you all right?" asked Mell.

"'Tis but a scratch!"

"Mell, your going to have to carry him back to the ship," Phil teased.

"No! No! Really, I'm fine! No, really!"

"Oh, good, I don't have to carry you back to the ship."

Percival tried to stand, but crumpled back down. Consequently, Phil decided that he would fall down and bruise his knee at the same time.

"Ha! Now you have to carry us both back to the ship!" Phil joked.

"No, I think I'll just leave you here to feed the bears."

"Really? What do you want us to feed them?" asked Phil.

"Gasp!" said Percival sarcastically as he made faces at Mell.

The rest of the group walked off into the bushes.

"They're kidding, right?" asked Phil.

"Um, no," said Percival.

A snake slithered out of the bushes straight towards Phil.

"Should we have left them behind?" asked Tell.

"Sure, why not?" replied Mell.

"No reason."

"Do you care if we leave them behind?"

"Well, uh. . ."

"Hey, quiet, we've just reached a clearing of funny looking creatures. I think they are those sheep fish things that Phil and Percival told us about," whispered Clint.

"Well then, let's go say hi," said Mell

"Wait a minute! As your captain, don't I 'ave a say in this matter?"

"No!" replied everyone in harmony.

"Well then, I'll jes' wait back at th' ship."

"Bye!" said Teej.

"Well then, let's go," said Mell.

Mell stepped into the clearing. Everyone else followed.

"Grunt!Wot'reyadoin''ere!Grunt!" said the sasquash as it hurried over to them.

"We were just wonderin' what those things are," said Teej, pointing to the sheep fish.

The creature turned and ran into a small hut. When it returned, it was carrying a large book which it proceded to shove into Mell's face.

"What is it?" asked Clint.

"A dictionary," replied Mell.

"Well read it then," said Tell.

"It says," began Mell, "Sheep Fish, noun, sh-e with a line over it-p f-i-sh a fish commonly found in or around polluted lakes."

"Anythin' else?" Teej urged.

"Nope."

"Oh."

"Well, let's go."

"Okay, thanks Mr. Sasquash."

They all waved at the friendly sasquash then headed back the way they had come. After they had hiked a short way, they heard some voices.

"Two pair, dueces high. I win! Ouch! Sore loser!"

The group rushed to Phil and Percival just in time to see a large snake slither into the bushes.

"Are you okay?" asked Mell.

"No! He bit me just because I won! What a sore loser! I think he might have been poisonous!"

"Great, that means we have to rush you to the ship!" yelled Clint.

Nobody saw the wink that passed between Phil and Percival as they were dragged bodily through the jungle.

The next morning, Mell was doctoring Phil. When Percival limped in, Mell left.

"So, the trick worked, huh?" asked Percival.

"Like a charm."

"That snake was a nice chap. He went along exactly with the plan."

"Ya, I hope he's doing good."

"I hope so too. Especially after you gave him so much money."

Suddenly, Mell opened the door, walked over to Phil and slapped him. Then she slammed the door behind her and stomped down the hall.

"Wow."

THE END

CAST BASED ON PERFORMANCES BY

ordered by appearance

Odysseus Odysseus "Dumb"

Phil "Serious" Melanie "Cutesy" Percival Ammon "Haha"

Clint Clinton "Jokester" Teej T. J. "Karateman" 

Tell Talina "Smiles" 

Kell Kelli "Catwoman" 

OTHERS BASED UPON NO ONE (UNLESS BY COINCIDENCE)

not ordered by appearance

Kyle

Matt

Jackson

Sheep Fish

Village Dog

Village Poor Boy

Village Idiot

Sasquash

Nat

Frenchichi Frie


	7. The Epidermiad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Epidermiad
> 
> or
> 
> How Many Sea Men Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb?
> 
> Continuing the Odyssey

Lightning flashed, illuminating the pitch black room. As quickly as it had come, it was gone.

“Come on chaps, be some good guys and shine that flashlight thingy up here so I can screw in this light bulb,” suggested Percival.

Below, a slight snicker could be distinguished from the sawing noise. Half a second later, the ladder collapsed. Fortunately, Percival had just finished his job and light flooded the chamber. Light flooded into the room, seemingly to spotlight the gore-ish scene. Perk lay there with a ladder on top of him while Fred was propped up in the corner with a table saw sticking out of his lower psycho preposterous intoxicated whosamawhatzit*.

*(a part of the body similar to another part completely unlike the lower excretory system.)

“Well now, looks like I get my own room.”

Next door Phil was having a slightly different problem with his light bulb.

“What the heck? Does this thing turn left or right?”

“Uh, right I think,” said Layne, “No, no, your other right.”

“Alright, almost have it. Keep the ladder steady.”

“Look, do you know how hard it is to keep a ladder steady? Not to mention that we're on a rocking ship in the middle of a storm and I have to use the little sailor's room.”

“Oh, quit whining. Almost have it. Oops.”

The bulb fell to the deck, but was miraculously unbroken, That is, until Phil stepped on it.

“Uh, I'll get the candles,” said Layne.

On deck, a transparent form could be seen soaking up the rain. Obi Ben let out a sigh of depression, after which he wrung out his arm. Odysseus approached the sullen figure.

“Wot's wrong Obe?”

“Oh, it's nothing. No, really. At any rate I'm not going to tell you anyway.”

“Wot're ya not goin' ta tell me 'bout?”

“Oh, nothing.”

“You better cum' below th' decks wit' me. Otherwise, ya may freeze ta death.”

“You go ahead, I'll join you in a second.”

After Odysseus had left, Obi Ben launched into verse.

I want a new body,

So I can go potty.

I'm kind of pale,

Without any ale.

I wan. . .

“Well, are ya cum'in or not?” yelled back Odysseus.

With a sigh, Ben again wrung out his arm and followed Odysseus below deck.

“This is the fourth meeting held by the management of this ship.” said Herb, the recorder.

The meeting had been called to order in Percival's quarters because he was the only one to get his light bulb in intact.

“I've called this meeting because I've sensed some awful disturbance in the force in and around Obi Ben. I think we need to do something about this idea. Just a second ago, our captain and I heard him singing about a new body. We've decided to go on a quest for one. Who's with me?” said Layne.

A unanimous vote was reached as soon as Dunder had been shot.

Over the next few weeks, the group researched about a body. They looked everywhere and studied every second. Which was why no one was steering the ship when it ran into an island.

“Cap'n, the search party 'as found somethin'!” said Gecko, “C'mon I'll show it to ya!”

Gecko led the group to a small building that was about the size of a three headed monkey sitting on top of a large brown yak. In fact it looked exactly like it too. The building then stood up and ran off through the wilds. Where it had sat was a stairwell leading down into an old set of catacombs. The group descended the steps.

“Captain it's darker than heck down here!” suggested Mell.

“How would you know? Have you ever been to heck?” teased Phil.

That was enough to keep her quiet for the rest of the trip.

After a short while, they emerged into a large room full of manure. A large voice echoed throughout the chamber.

“INFIDELS! YOU DARE TRESPASS HERE? MUST YOU MORTALS ALWAYS ASK ME FOR YOUR WISHES TO BE FULFILLED? IF THE WELLS WEREN'T ENOUGH, NOW YOUR PUSHING IT WITH THAT GENIE BIT! WELL, GET ON WITH IT, WHAT IS IT YOU WANT?”

“Uh, could you tell us what you mean by wishes?”

“OH NO, DON'T TELL ME SOMEONE TORE THE SIGN OUT AGAIN! ANYWAY, YOU EACH GET A WISH FILLED, ANYTHING YOU WANT. BUT YOU MUST PASS THROUGH MY THREE PUZZLES.”

“Give us a moment, will you?” said Percival.

“Glad to oblige.”

“Okay then chaps, let's take him up on this deal. Just look, we can have whatever we want, plus Obi Ben here can have a body back.”

Even though the decision wasn't unanimous, almost everyone left. All that remained were Obi Ben, Percival, Phil, Mell, and Robins in hopes of getting their wish fulfilled.

“ALRIGHT, HERE'S YOUR FIRST QUESTION: WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?” the voice stopped to do a little tricky thing with his thumbs, “Well?”

“Uh, chap, do you mean this,” he stopped and did a little tricky thing with his thumbs, “or this?” this time he stopped and did a different little thing with his thumbs.

“UHHHH, THIS,” the voice did the original tricky little thing with his thumbs.

“Oh, well then chap, it means pants!”

“CORRECT!”

“SECOND QUESTION, IF I WAS TRAVELING AT LIGHT SPEED AND RAN INTO A PILE OF MANURE, AND ANOTHER SHIP WAS MOVING ABOUT HALF AS MUCH AS I WAS WHEN IT COLLIDED INTO THE SAME PILE OF MANURE, HOW MANY PASSENGERS WERE ON THE TRAIN?”

“That's so easy, there would be no one on the train, because when they saw the manure they would all jump out in hopes of landing somewhere clean, although they would probably end up in the manure anyway,” answered Robins.

“THAT IS INCORRECT!”

“What?”

“There would be one person left on the train, because he or she would have caught their pants on a hook somewhere on board,” answered Phil.

“THIRD QUESTION. HOW MUCH TALLER ARE YOU THAN YOUR PARTNER ON A NORMAL DATE?”

“About one foot,” replied Mell.

“CORRECT! LAST QUESTION, OR SHOULD I SAY TASK,” at this he chuckled evilly, “SCREW. . . IN. . . THIS. . . L - I - G - H - T - B - U - L - B.”

“What?” replied everyone simultaneously.

“HAHAHAHA! HERE IT IS, THERE'S THE SOCKET.”

Calmly, Percival took the bulb, and screwed it in.

“HOW? WHAT THE HADES? NO ONE HAS EVER ACCOMPLISHED THIS TASK! I MUST GRANT YOUR WISHES, BUT YOU MUST TELL ME HOW YOU DO THIS.”

“Well chap, it's all in the wrist motion and, of course, how many people are helping you. You see, you need one to hold the ladder, one to stand underneath to catch the bulb in case it drops, one to sit there and act like a large, brown yak with homicidal tendencies, one to sit there and make fun of you, and one person to screw it in.”

“AMAZING! YOU HAVE PROVEN YOURSELVES WORTHY, JUST ASK ME YOUR WISH AND IT SHALL BE GRANTED.”

Excitedly, Robins and Mell yelled out their wishes simultaneously.

“I want Phil!”

“GRANTED!” boomed the voice, “AND NOW FOR YOU PHIL!”

“Um, well, I don't know how to say this, but I won't be needing a wish.”

“OH?!?”

“Yes, well, you see, it's already come true.”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (CHARITY LAUGH)!!!!” boomed the voice, “AND NOW FOR YOU PERCIVAL.”

“Look, chap, who are you?”

“WHY, APOLLO, OF COURSE. AND NOW FOR YOU BEN.”

“I'm afraid there's nothing in that bag for me.”

“AH, YES, I SENSE YOU WANT A NEW BODY. WELL, THE ONLY WAY I CAN DO THAT IS TO TAKE YOU HOME TO MOUNT OLYMPUS MYSELF.”

“What?!?!?! I'm going to become a god? Cool!”

“YES. YOU CAN BE GOD OF MISCHIEF, HUMOR, AND THE FORCE.”

A blinding light flashed through the room as Ben was “dubbed” with the force.

“That's it?”

“WELL, AHHH. . .”

“Alright, what's the catch?”

“YOU NEED A NEW NAME.”

“Oh, is that all.”

“WELL, YOU KIND OF HAVE TO HAVE A FRIEND NAME YOU.”

“Okay Phil, take a shot at it.”

“Umm, well, uhh, how about, Walker Ben?”

“Is that the best you can come up with? I want something with style. Like Macho Man or Hulkster or even The Super-Human Samurai-ish Meat Eating Turbo Babe Magnet.”

“Uhh, sorry?”

“It's okay.”

As the group laughed, sounds of death could be heard outside as a passing train ran over those who had left back to the ship.


	8. THE PERCY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THE PERCY
> 
> or
> 
> What’s the real story behind this Percival chap anyway?

Sailing along towards Atlantis, the ship Watrlogd (Now called the Robinlogd because no one could stand Robins’s whining about being left out) Began to shake.

“What the, tell everyone I said hello, is going on here?” cried Percy. Keep in mind that he was literally crying, caused no doubt by the onions in that nights dinner special.

“Uh I think the ship is shaking.” cried Layne. I guess he had the special too.

Suddenly Clinton fell from the Chicken’s nest. ‘Ms. Logic’ changed that too. Clinton was taking the place of Bob who was on Sure® leave. You see, he ran out of deodorant and had to go back to England to get some more.

“Have you been spitting on people from the Chicken’s nest again Clinton” said a small voice below. It was the captain covered in loogie and holding an obese begone petal. “What I had to loose the pounds and I’m not known for my patience.”

The shaking was increasing when Mell and A.C. came on deck to see what was interrupting their cross ship run. For weeks they had been hoping the ship would come to shore so they could do some cross country. To ease their lack of country, they listened to Garth Brooks and did the electric slide. A dance that Phil had taught them earlier. A.C. plugged a boom box into her leg and everyone temporarily forgot their worries and danced. Walker Ben even danced the _Schenken-Blitz_.

Suddenly the shaking stopped. “I am Not-Mell chaser of sexy zit faced hunks. I have explored six of the seas to find nothing and wouldn’t you know it in the very last one I find someone.” a booming voice declared.

“Twin!” shouted Mell

“Twin?” everyone questioned simultaneously yet not at the same time.

“Yes this is Not-Mell, daughter of the sister of the father of Zeus's dog's first cousin. My twin sister!”

“What?” Every one yelled simultaneously louder than any of them could yet quiet and not at the same time.

“A twin ‘someone who is related to you directly and was born at the same time as you often leading to them looking slightly like you.’” quoted Robins

“Oh you mean like you and the captains dog?” asked Phil

“Precisely. Hey wait, we weren’t born at the same time!”

“Sorry to burst everyone’s bubble...” called the shrunk captain on a microphone which was plugged into A.C.

“So it was you,” Layne cried (those darn onions).

“Sorry to burst your bubble Layne, but we don’t want Not-Mell around.”

“Hey that’s a double negative” replied Robins.

“Oh shut up.” boomed Ben

“Well I’m only scared of one thing.” fought Not-Mell, “I’m scared of pants.”

Immediately the whole crew began to do a funny thing with their thumbs and the swimming Not-Mell swam away (duh!) calling out “I’ll see you in Atlantis.”

“I’m sorry but I don’t get that thumbs thing” roared Robins

“F1 you need it. Conference.” Phil commanded while Robins F7ed to F5 A.C., “Now what did we learn?”

Shouts of “I don’t know!”, “Nothing much!”, and “I broke a nail!” swarmed the ship.

“Well I learned that Not-Mell has incredible powers and can read minds because she could shake the ship and knew we were going to Atlantis.” pronounced Percy.

“Well duh,” mouthed Mell, “we are both daughters of a god’s dog. We both can do that.”

“ _Uh oh_ ” thought Percy “ _If she found out in my mind what I think about her then I might be in trouble._ ” “Onward to Atlantis.”

As the crew readied to set sail, Mell walked up to Percy and whispered “You are in trouble”

Several days later the ship landed at Atlantis. The crew loved it so much that they decided to dry dock the boat and live there. Only two problems. First Mrs. Perfect lived down the street from Percy Perfect, who lived next to Sister Kelly. Second Not-Mell was waiting at the street corner each morning to watch the zit faced hunks go by. One day as Percy was passing by Sister Kelly’s house when he realized he was wearing shorts not pants. Not-Mel attacked immediately and chaced Percy all around the neighborhood. Of course, Sister Kelly saw all of this and Percy had a lot of explaining to do. It was soon decided that Atlantis was not the place for them, and the crew decided to set sail once again. Not-Mel threatened that if Percy left, she would destroy Atlantis and everything on it. Arrangements were made to take all the people in the neighborhood along. And when they asked why they should go, Percy just replied, “Can you tread water?” The Robinlogd set sail and watched as Atlantis sunk into the depths of Hades.

The End


	9. The Pigskiniad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Pigskiniad  
> or  
> What does Phil have to do with a football  
> anyway?  
> Continuing the Odyssey

Lightning raked the savage seas,

Bringing Ted down to his knees.

He shrank down to the deck and then,

Lightning struck where he'd been.

Ted danced quickly 'round the ship,

As lightning coursed throughout his hip,

He then tripped, face first of course,

Hitting seas with clumsy force.

He kept falling farther 'till

He broke through and went to #@$%*!

The next day (at half past nine),

Watrlogd had sailed the Rhine.

And on the deck of this fine boat,

Percival tied up his goat.

He then walked to his lunch,

Where he had some eggs for brunch.

He cat and talked with the crew,

And so his knowledge grew and grew,

Of poor Ted's death from which he fell,

Down into the depths of #@$%*!

He put it off with one big shrug,

Then sat by Phil and his small jug,

Of strong ale the best ya find.

(Ya can never find the kind.)

He then began to form an insult,

With which he planned a great assault.

He then began his great tirade,

Of sewage drain and fire raid.

Old Phil turned white from ear through air,

And so he stood to get outta there.

Percival also stood,

So he could do the best he could,

At insulting Phil's sense of pride,

(Which was hardly justified.)

Walker Ben then walked on by

And Phil leapt on him (who know's why!)

Percival, undaunted still,

Went and insulted prideless Bill.

Robins burst into the room right then,

And clearing her throat she began,

Her tale of meaningless gore.

She screamed and raved for an hour or more,

Pretty soon it became a bore.

She yelled, _"It's at the dunes!"_

_"We've been challenged by Spirtoons,"_

_"To play a game, I know not what."_

_"But it sounds like a pain in the butt!"_

_"It is a game, where with a pig,"_

_"You run a field and do a jig,"_

_"You dance 'round like a mole,"_

_"And that is what they call a goal."_

_"I know the game,"_ Odysseus cried,

As he sat bursting with pride.

_"It's a game called football,"_

_"It's not to hard just try to mal,"_

_"Everyone on their whole team,"_

_"Then grab the ball, as it may seem,"_

_"And charge the field!"_ he beamed.

_"Ah, yes chap, I've heard of it,"_

_"You got that right, but missed the bit,"_

_"Where girls jump up and down and cheer,"_

_"When you run into your goal here."_

_"So we need some girls,"_ Phil cried,

as his eyes became frightfully wide,

_"I say Robins and Mell,"_

_"Are the only girls that I can tell,"_

_"That are still with us alive,"_

_"Out of our beginning five."_

Phil then gazed at the girls,

His eyes like two black pearls.

The effect left them fighting,

For which one would first be sighting,

The rest room toilet to spew forth,

Their lunch they had from J.J. North.

The next day, at the dunes,

The crew found themselves Spirtoons.

With which to play this new found game,

(With which Robin was to blame.)

Phil could not locate Melanie.

Unknowing it was a felony,

He checked inside the ladies' room,

Which led to his upcoming doom.

He walked inside, he looked around,

Then he fell and hit the ground,

A voice was heard screaming, _"Herv!"_

_"Come in and get this perv!"_

A little later Phil was found

In the cellar, gagged and bound.

Moments later, on the field,

Team Watrlogd had been built.

The group were robots with, Percival, Phil, and Ben,

And Mell and Robins in a pen,

To keep Phil from nearing them.

A whistle blown, a sonic boom,

The ball came hurtling through the gloom.

A robot got it in the chest,

The one behind it took the rest,

The third one back then got the ball,

And quickly ran it down the hall,

But then a Spirtoon ran right by,

All the robot did was whisper _"Hi!"_

He made the goal but when he was done,

The robot was scrapped,the whole one.

It worked like this through the whole game,

The Spirtoons scored then we did again,

Until with five minutes left they made their last score,

For now the game would be a bore.

Team Watrolgd was thoroughly done,

The robots were scrapped, every one.

The score was tied, seven-zero to seven-zero

And know is born our little hero,

Who wants to impress Melanie.

And doesn't care about a penalty,

He gets the ball and sits there,

The Spartans charge him, think they've got him.

The short guy smiles, he does a dance.

He whips a pistol from his pants,

And aiming at the Spirtoon's heads,

BANG! BANG! BANG! He shoots them dead.

Before he could make the goal,

The cavalry enters the bowl,

Suddenly, without a notion,

Percival launches into motion.

Him and Ben grab young Phil,

Then throw him out and over the hill.

In the process, to their relief,

A goal was scored, a victory reached!

A week later, Phil was hero of the day,

Although the Spirtoons had made him pay,

They beat him soundly for half an hour,

After they had him in their power.

Phil had been laying in his bed,

With everyone thinking he was dead.

But he awoke a little later,

And asked Mell for a dater.

She slapped him smartly on the cheek,

And he again slipped back into sleep.

Mell then joined others on the deck,

Who were talking of the wreck,

_"The ship was punctured by their coach,"_

_"And by the way, not to encroach,"_

_"But is anyone sick of talking in rhyme?"_

Asked Percival, right on time,

_"I'm getting sick of all these verses,"_

_"I can't quit either, oh, curses! Curses!"_

_"Let's just get this over with."_

_"I'm sick and tired of this myth."_

_"Alright, let's do it then."_

_"Great! Now it's THE END!"_


	10. The Shrinkiad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Shrinkiad
> 
> or
> 
> Wasn't there ever a follow up on the Obesity?
> 
> Continuing the Odyssey

The canter of hooves beat rhythmically over the cold mountain tops. Already, the smells of spring were in the air and small blossoms could be spotted below on the lower peaks.

The three men and two girls were dressed heavily in winter cloaks and heavy boots. They rode on in single file until they came to a signaled halt. The first horseman descended from his horse to pick up a small, metal coin. He then flipped it into the air, caught it, and flipped it onto his hand. He then quietly said, "Pants." and proceeded to flip it again. The coin made an echoing sound throughout the cliffs. Again, he quietly said, "Pants."

This went on for quite some time before another horseman asked, "What the hades does pants have to do with anything?"

"I've flipped this coin a dozen times and every time it's landed on pants."

"That isn't pants you silly old chap, your supposed to say tails. What's the matter can't you tell the names of the two sides of a coin? Besides, that's heads."

"Oh, be quiet Percy."

"A coin flipped twelve consecutive times and landing on heads twelve consecutive times; just think of the probabilities."

"Shut up Robin," they all yelled simultaneously.

Before they all mounted again, Layne opened his saddle bags and peered inside.

"How are you doing in there Odysseus?"

"Not bad considering I'm in a freezing biome. Those horses don't help at all either; bouncing up and down like that. And how am I supposed to get to sleep with all that noise going on out there? I'm not asking for much you know, just a little resp. . ."

Layne shut his saddle bag and again mounted his horse to continue the trek, The group cantered along at a dreadfully slow pace with shouts of "heads" echoing behind them.

Four weeks later, echoes of "heads" could be heard in the meadows beneath the mountains. Two weeks after that, on a Friday, the group emerged from a cave that was set into the bottom of the mountain.

Phil walked out in the lead, followed by Layne, Percival, and Mell, in that order. Screaming could be heard as Robins flew out of the tunnel on her horse. Behind her, a squeaking mouse ran after her.

"Oh, the poor thing," said Mell as she carefully lifted the frightened mouse, "Don't worry, I'll take care of you."

Phil could be heard snickering at the scene. Mell carefully, as to not disturb the mouse, walked over to Phil and slugged him hard enough to knock him out cold.

Percival, who had been quietly watching the whole scene, murmured, "That ought to put the chap out for a few hours."

A flash of light announced the arrival of Obi Ben Walker.

"What a ragged looking bunch if I ever saw one," he said quietly.

"Well you haven't seen Mell after she has just gotten into a fight with me!" said Phil as he attempted to sit up. Immediately, Mell walked over and hit him so hard he disappeared.

"Wow," said Ben, "Anyway, I hear you're in a bit of a spot right now. Trying to get Odysseus back to normal size is no normal task, you know."

"Tell me about it," said Layne, "He may be smaller but his tongue is still as sharp as ever."

"What?" asked Heidi.

"Forget it," said Layne.

"You know, I wish that everyone wouldn't think I'm so clean minded," said Robins.

"Anyway, as I was saying," interrupted Obi Ben, "The only cure for Odysseus is to meet a witch doctor who isn't a witch doctor and get hexed by what is not a hex. The only way to get there is over a river which is not a river and through an un-forest. These directions will lead you to a house, but do not partake of that which it is made of. You will then take two rights, travel one block, and a left. There you will see a hut. Inside, you will find that which you are looking for."

"Say what?" said Layne.

"What part of 'The only cure for Odysseus is to meet a witch doctor who isn't a witch doctor and get hexed by what is not a hex. The only way to get there is over a river which is not a river and through an un-forest. These directions will lead you to a house, but do not partake of that which it is made of. You will then take two rights, travel one block, and a left. There you will see a hut. Inside, you will find that which you are looking for.' didn't you understand?" asked Obi Ben.

"Uh, most of it," said Mell.

"That's okay, the amazing brainiac is here to help you!" said Robins.

"The amazing brainiac and her clean thoughts!" said an eerie sounding voice. The group turned to look in the direction of the voice, but all they saw was a large, brown yak softly munching dark, leafy green vitamin-enhanced vegetables so that he could achieve his total mineral intake for the day.

"Remember my words and you will one day understand."

"What the, by the gods, where'd he go?" exclaimed Layne.

"That's a man of mystery," exclaimed Robins.

Suddenly, a three headed monkey appeared, attacked Robins, started a large, brown yak stampede, then took off through the trees.

"Land sakes alive," exclaimed Mell.

"You can say that again," said Robins.

"No, I don't think I will," replied Mell, "Anyway, let's go."

"Alright, the force is telling me to go left."

The horses, unfortunately, had run off with the large, brown yak herd. This left little choice but for everyone to start walking toward the direction which they hoped was left. Fairly soon, the group found themselves standing in front of a large bridge which had a sign that simply stated, "I'm a troll and, no offense, but I want to eat you." Percival, undaunted still, walked across the bridge. From under the bridge, a raspy voice called up, "Whosoever crosses my bridge, will find himself begging for my mercy."

"Silly chap, you don't want to eat me. I'm not even close to the size of that Robins chap. Tell you what, if I can cross, you can eat her. Wot, wot?"

"Oh, very well. But hurry if you don't, I may decide to eat you."

Layne, seeing as Percival had no problems, decided to take his turn at crossing the bridge. He made it across without any problems, providing he made a little threat with the _Schenken-Blitz_. Mell, using her usual charm and wit, made it across without a scratch. Robins began to cross the bridge. Under her weight, the bridge groaned. As she was walking, she was interrupted by a voice almost as hideous as her own.

"Who goes there?"

"My name is Robins," replied Robins.

"I'm going to eat you!"

Suddenly, the bridge gave way due to Robins excessive weight. Underneath her, a voice could be heard muttering, "I hate cameos."

The group carried on through the un-forest where large trees threw apples at them. Robins had to give them a good talking to before the group could move on.

That night, the group camped just outside of the tree's reach. They had no problems that night; Mell said it was simply because Philip was gone. The following day, the group continued on and, before long, they came to a large house made out of candy.

Suddenly, a black-haired three-headed monkey ran across the road. Mell, who was semi-superstitious saw this as a bad omen but Robins simply said that the probability of anything happening was almost zero. Five seconds later, she tripped, rolled into a ditch, got stuck in a hornet's nest, walked into a tree, then landed in a river. She dismissed it as merely coincidence.

As they neared the scrumptious looking house, Layne lost control, "I've got to splurge!"

He charged the house and began to eat it. He was joined by Robins, while Percival and Mell began playing Gin Rummy. The door to the fanciful looking cottage opened and a homely looking old widow stepped outside.

"Oh deary me, somebody is eating me out of house and home. I had better invite them in," she said with an evil chuckle.

Layne and Robins gratefully followed the old woman into the house. Two days later, Robins was hefted outside with a fork lift. The old woman drove the lift to her oven and put Robins inside. Layne, who was now in perfect shape due to the housework that he had been forced to do, came out of the house, and, using the _Schenken-Blitz_ , he turned the old woman into a swine. He then opened the oven and helped Robin out of it. Robins, miraculously enough, was now thin due to the steam inside the oven. They joined Percival and Mell for a few rounds of Gin, then again began their journey.

From where they were, they took two rights, reversing their direction completely, and walked two blocks. There they took a left, and two days later, found themselves in front of a witch doctor who was not a witch doctor's home. Phil was sitting on the front steps.

"Where have you been?" asked Robins.

"Well, the last thing I remember is being hit by Mell. And now it's Wednesday of the next week."

"Oh."

"By the way, I found our horses wandering around out here. I left Odysseus inside the hut because the guy inside said he could help."

A flash of light again announced the appearance of Obi Ben Walker.

"You done well buddy boy."

"Thanks Daddy-O," said Layne.

"It seems to me that you each deserve a special gift. Let's see now, Mell, you work well with animals, so now I give you the gift to talk to them. Robins, you can have the gift to understand humorous quotations and jokes. To Layne, I now give you the title of Master of the Force of the Three-Headed Monkey's Foot. Percival, I give you the power to control nature since you are always so nice to it. Phil, well, uh, gee, this is a toughy, I give you the power to actually stand up to anyone rather than shrivel away and grovel. While I'm at it, I might as well get something for myself. See you all later, I'm off to Tahiti!"

Behind the group, Odysseus, now full size, walked out of the hut. He was followed by a rather serious looking guy that was dark complected and had a large, ugly mask on. His eyes were crossed.

"Ye gods I feel funny," said Odysseus.

"Okuku Bwana Dimdim Dilly Dilly Dum," said the witch doctor.

"Dum Dum Boogley Oogley Doo To You Too," replied Layne.

"Well then, let's get back to the ship, shall we chaps," said Percival, "Say, Mell, now that the mission is over do you think that we could, uh, well. . . go out someplace?"

He was answered with a terrific slap in the face.

A week later the group met Percival and continued their journey to the ship where they all got terrific tans except for Robins who was sunburned badly.

THE END


	11. The Robinsey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Robinsey
> 
> or
> 
> What happens when you push a character over the edge?
> 
> Continuing the Odyssey

"Hey dudes, like, take out all of your, like, totally groovy home stuff," said Surfer Dude, "Woah, never mind, I like totally forgot; we don't have any. Okay, groovy, we'll just have to, like, do something else."

"Mr. Dude, can I be excused for a minute?" asked Robins as she raised her hand.

"Like, say it first, dudette."

"Do I have to do it?"

"Like, yea chap," mimicked Percival.

"Hey, you like go to the office little bad dude," said Surf Dude, "And tell them I'm, like, gonna transfer you outta my Surfing 123 class!"

"Like, no way!" said Obi Ben.

"Dude, that was, like, uncalled for," said Layne.

"Hey, like you two little dudes, like, have an attitude problem!" said Phil.

"Good job dudes! Your, like, learning quickly."

The three began to bash their heads against their desks.

"Dudes, like, stop! Head banging is next week!" said Surf Dude, "Now, Robins, dudette, are ya, like, gonna say it?"

"Oh, all right. Ahem, like, Surf Dude, can I, like, leave this most groovy and righteous class, to, like, hit the waves?"

The bell rang.

"Woa, you, like, most certainly may."

Robins stood up from her desk, walked over to the door, took hold of the doorknob, then walked into it. She did this twice more before she decided to turn the handle and push.

When she finally got outside, she practiced part of her part in a play with some crew members, did a little F5ing, then leaned on the railing to take a breath of fresh salt water air.

Percival and Phil walked by with several boards and nails with which to patch up the nonexistent plank. When they were done, they built a small catapult with which they started launching buckets around.

"Let's turn it this way a little, chap," suggested Percival.

"Left it is," said Phil.

"What are you guys doing," asked Mell as she walked up.

"Oh, nothing," said Percival.

"It's a catapult!" said Phil.

"Oh, really, let me try!"

"Well, of course it takes careful measures to do it well, but, HEY!" said Phil.

Without any warning, Mell launched a bucket into the air which hit Robins and sent her overboard. Phil and Percival carefully threw the catapult overboard while Mell stood watch. Never again did any of them mention Robins. Even when under oath in court, they simply stated, "There are no robins in the middle of the ocean, you silly."


	12. The Submariniad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Submariniad
> 
> or
> 
> What's a Big Yak Doing Underwater Anyway?
> 
> Continuing the Odyssey

The Submariniad

or

What's a Big Yak Doing Underwater Anyway?

Continuing the Odyssey

"So, what do you think Cap'n?" Said Percival.

"Well...I don't know," said Captain Odysseus,"Can we jus' take it out for a test drive first?" The captain asked the submarine dealership guy.

"Sure, I guess, but do you have any collateral?" The one guy asked.

"Uh...what's collateral again? Oh yeah, I remember," said Odysseus,"You can have our ship as collateral until we get back."

"Okay," the one guy said."Hop right in and have fun!"

So, the whole crew of the Robinlogd boarded the brand new X-29 lightweight sub-thermo nuclear ballistic environmental friendly fast attack full bed extended cab submarine (with outdoor swimming pool).

"Hey Captain! can I be the captain for this one little trip? Please?" Asked Obi Ben Walker.(Who incidentally changed his name because he liked it better that way, but he still kept the name Phil had given him or else he couldn't be a god.)(Just in case you were wondering.)

"I guess so," said Odysseus.

"Great!" Said Ben, as he ran to sit in the captain's chair."Wow ,neat!"

Then Odysseus assigned Percy as second in command, Layne as helmsman, and Phil to do everything else.(Except whine and complain, that was Robins job, although no one really assigned her to do that.)

Then, the captain, and everyone else went to their cabins. (except Obi Ben and his crew, of course.)

"Everyone ready?" Asked Ben, who was ecstatic about being captain.

Then Obi stood up.

"Take her out."

Everyone on the bridge started clapping,and he sat down.

"Weary good sir!" said Chekov just as the captain sat down.

Then Scotty leaned over and said:"Brought a tear to me eye."

WAIT!!! Wrong thing.

Anyway, they were underway.

They were going about sixty knots (not a bad speed for an X-model, or so they say). All of a sudden the sub abruptly slowed down to 16 knots which threw everyone forward, and gave Layne a nasty bump on his head.

"Cut it out Layne!" Obi Ben yelled.

"Hey it wasn't me." Layne cried. (The bump he got on his head must have really hurt.)

Then, the sub sped up to 54 knots just as everyone was getting up, which then threw everyone backward and gave Layne another bad bruise on his head.

"See, I told you it wasn't me," said Layne.

"Gee, I wonder who is?" Said Phil.

Then they felt the sub change directions.

"Uhh...I think we're in big trouble," said Percy.

Layne tried to steer the ship but the controls weren't responding (but then everyone didn't think Layne really knew how to steer a sub anyway).

They all looked out the starboard and port windows (seeing as there was nothing they could do, they might as well enjoy the ride) and saw all kinds of different colored coral rocks and different forms of life including a brown thing that swam past saying "Waka, Waka!"

All of a sudden, Percy called from his station. Everyone went to see what he wanted and he pointed out the window. the sub was headed right towards a huge brown fuzzy-looking rock at seventy knots, the subs limit.

Then the rock jumped up and swam away.

"Woah!" said Percy,"That was close! That must've been a yak or something!"

Then the sub veered into a wide open valley on the sea floor, almost totally bare, and slowed down and completely stopped right in the middle of the valley.

They waited about a half hour to see if anything else was going to happen. Nothing did.

So Phil and Obi Ben got their high-tech air suits on (which came with the sub) and went out into the cold clear water.

They didn't really see anything at first, just the usual brightly colored fozzies, yaks, and sheep fish.

Obi and Phil searched around the ship for anything that might have caused the malfunction, and they also wanted to get out to get away from Robins complaining over the intercom about their driving.

They didn't find any thing so they tried their high-tech communicators (which also came with the sub) but they didn't get any answer.

"Either our communicators aren't working, or else something else is wrong," said Obi Ben.

They tried their communicators again but still no answer. They went to open the hatch but it was locked, just as Ben had thought.

Obi looked at Phil to see if he had any ideas but Phil just pointed and looked really scared. Obi Ben turned to see what Phil was pointing at and got scared too.

Back in the sub, Layne and Percy were up against a big problem. A saboteur had somehow gotten in without the subs high-tech scanners detecting him, and he had a big gun with flashing lights on it. (It looked a lot like a yak gun but they weren't sure)

"In the corner you two! Oh, and by the way, my name is Kissmywut?," said Kissmywut?."And guess what, I took out the power supply to your ship," Kissmywut? said, as he held up a 9 volt battery.

"Kissmywut??" Said Layne.

"Exactly!" Said Kissmywut?.

Percy and Layne went over to the corner and just stood there like a pair of dummies. (But who said they were acting?)

Outside the sub, Obi Ben and Phil were up against an even bigger problem, a giant bright red-orange crab. It was about 35 feet wide and about 20 feet tall. The only weapon Ben had to fight it with was a two-foot long shark knife he just happened to have with him (he had accidentally left his lightsaber inside the sub). Matched with the huge "sharp as a marble" claws he didn't think he stood a chance.

Phil stayed back, probably too scared to even talk, while Obi Ben Walker swam around, barely missing the crabs massive claws.

"That's weird!" Said Obi Ben,"When I look at it a certain way, that crab looks a lot like a three-headed monkey! Oh well, never mind."

Then Obi swam down and took a slash at what he thought was a weak point on the crab and the knife came down hard on the crab. What he heard astonished him. It made a big clang!

"Metal! It's made out of metal!" Ben yelled at Phil."It's mechanical!"

In the sub Kissmywut? was preparing to jettison Percy and Layne, when Percy decided to try something.

"Hey, Kissmywut?," said Percy.

"What do you want?" Said Kissmywut?.

"Pants!" Said Percy, as he proceeded to do a tricky thing with his thumbs.

"Kissmywut?" Said Kissmywut?."Get back over there and be quiet!" Kissmywut? said, as he then turned to try and do that tricky thing with his thumbs.

Then Layne remembered something.

" **Schenken-Blitz**!" Layne cried. (Must have been the onions from his lunch.)

But in the process of doing this, Layne immediately tripped and sprained his ankle so nothing happened.

"Oh, man!" Said Layne.

Just then, Percy grabbed a bunch of steel wool that just happened to be lying around, and threw it at Kissmywut? just as he got distracted, and it landed right on top of the battery, which Kissmywut had still been holding, and the steel wool blew up right in his face and Percy immediately grabbed Kissmywut? and locked him up. Then he contacted Obi Ben and Phil on their high-tech communicators while Layne limped over to unlock the ship's hatch and let Phil and Ben back inside the sub.

"Let's get out of here!" Phil Cried. (Onions, definitely.)

"Why? We just got here," said Ben. (He didn't have any onions with his lunch, he didn't like them.)

"No," Phil said,"We need to get the sub going to get away from the big crab that's outside the sub!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot," said Obi.

So Percy quickly grabbed the battery and put it back where it belonged and the sub started moving again.

Layne, Phil, Obi Ben, and Percival went over to the window to see the crab one last time, and as the crab got smaller in the distance, they saw a big brown hairy thing jump on the back of the crab and start riding it like a horse.

"Wow!" Phil said,"I didn't know that sasquashes rode wild crabs!"

Everyone laughed at Phil a little bit until Obi Ben remembered about everyone else on the sub.

"Omigosh!" Ben said,"What about everyone else?"

They all ran back to where the cabins were and saw everyone sitting around watching television; except Robins who was too busy complaining about the show everyone was watching. Then Robins saw Phil standing in the doorway.

"Phil!" Yelled Robins, and immediately ran over and jumped into Phil's arms, but Phil didn't catch her and she fell to the deck.

"Ouch!" Said everyone simultaneously, yet not at the same time.

"Hey Phil, nice catch!"Said Obi Ben as he proceeded to give Phil a high five, to which Phil missed and Ben accidentally hit Phil in the face.

"Oops, sorry," said Ben.

"Good shot Ben," said Robins.

"Hey Robins, when I want your opinion I'll shake your cage," said Obi Ben.

So Robins walked away sulking.

"Gee, it's boring around here," said Odysseus."I would rather have our old ship back."

"Me too," everyone said simultaneously yet not at the same time.

So they all went back to land and took the sub back to the submarine dealer guy and got their ship back. (It was a good thing they got their ship back when they did or else the one guy would have sold their ship to an antique dealer guy and gotten lots of money.)

As for Kissmywut?, he decided to join Odysseus and his crew and he became an airman in Odysseus's new Air Force.

THE END


	13. The Farceity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Farceity
> 
> or
> 
> What is the leading cause of death among sailors?
> 
> Continuing the Odyssey

The Farceity

or

What is the leading cause of death among sailors?

Continuing the Odyssey

They were being stalked.

Small, brown forms could be seen weaving in and out of the bushes as the small group walked along the trail through the forest. Odysseus, Mell, Tell, Tom, and Kissmywut? were returning from their latest journey which involved a lightbulb, a pair of pants, and one foot to much. Suddenly, an assortment of objects were thrown out at the group. Among these were a large brown yak, a deformed three-headed monkey with two heads, a large dictionary, a pair of pants, a few spears, with the occasional cuss. Also among these, a small, brown dart which had the head of a yak carved into a bit. Unfortunately, this last item just happened to hit Tom. Immediately, the poison began to thread it's way through Tom's fat cells (which just goes to show that fatty foods are good to eat if your being stalked by small, brownish forms in the middle of the forest).

It has been clinically proven that stress can mount if someone is left hanging in suspense, so I'll just tell you now, none of the main characters die in this story. Unfortunately, Tom is not a main character. Thank You.

Anyway, Tom crumpled into a large, brownish form. He then began to sprout hair and he grew a snout and a pair of horns.

"Wow! Look out for their spit wads! They're killer!" exclaimed Kissmywut?. Who, coincidentally, loved onions and had eaten three tons of them for breakfast (in other words, his breath could kill a fly at sixty paces).

Tom suddenly got down on all fours and ran off like the quadruped that he was. (Coincidentally, he had turned into a yak. A large, brown yak.)

The group decided that they were lost, so, instead of continuing on, they stopped where they were and waited for someone to come and rescue them; of course, dodging the occasional spit wad.

Three feet away, the trees parted and revealed the ship Watrlogd. So named because Robins, as she was now dead, had no chance to argue about it. Several of those on board, such as Teej, Aronic, Phil, Percival, and Obi Ben Walker had decided it was about time to send out a search party. Of course, Phil, Percival, and Obi Ben were nominated.

"But what about my rights as a free man on board of this fine ship?" screamed Phil as they pushed him over the side.

"You mean your rights as a free moron!" said a voice from the crowd.

Obi Ben was thrown over next. Just as Percival was being thrown over, he had an idea. Forcing himself back a little ways he yelled "PANTS!" and did a tricky little thing with his thumbs. The crew immediately stopped and began trying to imitate the motion. Suddenly, a five foot five tall beast climbed over the railing of the ship and scared the living daylights out of everyone (which explains why it was now dark). Percival ran as fast as he could to launch himself over the side of the ship.

By the time the trio had found the group, Odysseus had been stung by a scorpion, Tell was covered in green and purple spots, Mell was scratching like crazy due to her falling in a grove of poison ivy, Kissmywut? was dead from six spear wounds and a bad case of mal-nutrition, and Tom was grazing in the pasture.

Back on the ship, the crew headed to a distant island, under the order of Aronic (who was directing under Odysseus's absence) in order to get the medicine which Odysseus needed.

"Alright people, let's move it!" said Aronic. Then he had a massive heart attack which was brought on by eating too many onions for breakfast. Unfortunately, because he fell overboard in the process, the clean-up crew will not be appearing in this story.

As to see what should happen in the plot next, Percival made an appointment in Odysseus's incredibly busy schedule to see Odysseus. Five minutes later, Percival was admitted to Odysseus's cabin.

"Uh, Captain, chap, Aronic is dead."

"Oh, is that all. I've got a migraine the size of. . well. . nevermind, but you interrupted me to tell me that?

"Sir, what do we do, Aronic was acting as captain."

"I know. I've known that one day he would become to ambitious so I poisoned his onions this morning. Percival, I've always trusted you, you act as director of the ship in my stead.

"Thank you sir!"

Percival, who did not understand what Odysseus meant, immediately began to research plays until he felt that he could write his own.

Two days later, Percival was already assigning the parts. "Alright, Teej, you're the Fozzy. Tell, you can play Nega-George. C'mon chaps, work with me here. Let's see, uh, Tom, you be the, uh, gee, what part would work for you? I know! You can be the three-headed monkey! Where's Robins?"

"Ben chased her into the closet with a pair of handcuffs just a few minutes ago after she asked him if he could Waltz."

"Yea, right! I was going to offer her the main role but, seeing as how she's not here, you can have it Mell."

Five minutes later, Ben and Robins (whom they had found to be the 'sewage monster') came out of the closet, still handcuffed together. Ben, with his super eye beam laser model 4X super digitized Rolex (with quartz crystals and 16 karat gold casing), melted through the handcuffs.

"Robins, chap, I gave your part away to Mell because you weren't around."

"That's okay, I'll just walk around on stage and into doors and stuff. No, wait! I've got it! Have Ben start playing some music and I'll run over to the railing and vomit onions over the edge."

"Okay, you're in charge of the loudspeakers, and you turn them on, then Ben plays some music and you hurl chunks over the railing."

"No, Ben turns on the tape and the loud speakers and then I hurl off the side of the ship."

"Okay, but he plays the song from your tape deck."

"No, Ben does everything!"

"Ben hurls off the side of the ship?"

"No, I hurl off the side of the ship!"

"Oh, I get it!"

That night, the group went through their practice run but only got up to the part where Ben was supposed to turn on the music before the curfew bell rang.

The next day, the play opened to the citizens of the ship.

The play went on just fine until Act MCXCIV where Percival, who had misunderstood Robins, wrote the script in wrong.

Ben turned on the music over the loud speakers and the entire crew ran to the railing to vomit.

The night after that, the play kept going after Percival made some corrections in the script. This time, after Ben turned on the music, the entire cast began to hurl over the railing.

Yet one night later, Percival rewrote the script and, sure enough, the play went on and on and on. Then it got to the part. Ben went over to the loudspeaker and turned on the music. Immediately, the cast grabbed Robins and hurled her overboard. The play became an immediate success and profits sky-rocketed.

Three weeks later, just as the crew hurled Robins over the side, they struck land. Percival looked overboard and, to his amazement, he saw Robins submerged up to her neck. Of course, standing on her head didn't help.

The usual members were hurled over the side to go get the flowers needed for medication.

After wandering through the forest for a few hours, Mell found a cave that was cunningly disguised as a cave. The group walked inside and immediately came across the flower.

As they left, a giant boulder began rolling down the slope after them. It chased them around the island twice before it finally got stuck in a sand pit. By the time they stopped running they figured they were lost (this estimate was a little better seeing as how the ship was exactly 3 feet and 2 inches away).

They began to walk. They walked. They walked. They walked. Suddenly, Mell began to run.

"What are you doing chap?" asked Percival.

"X-country," said Mell.

"Oh," said everyone simultaneously, yet not at the same time.

Suddenly, the trees parted and a large, red crab with marble claws looked down upon them.

"Not again," said Obi Ben, "Wait! This time I have my light saber!"

With that, Obi Ben pulled out his light saber and cut off both the crabs claws then began tickling it with a feather. The crab died moments later from hyper ventilating.

Layne and Phil went to investigate the wreck and, moments later, came back with a sasquash.

"Look what I found!" said Layne.

"Look what I found!" said Phil.

They looked at each other.

"Look what we found!" they said simultaneously (they both had had onions)

"Wow!" said Robins.

"I think there is more to this than meets the eye," said Percival, "Let us unmask this stranger!"

Obi Ben grabbed the creature's hair and yanked. Nothing happened.

"Maybe we should try that little flap in the back," suggested Mell.

Layne lifted the flap in the back and out slid Kissmywut?. They immediately took him prisoner and marched back to the ship. Unfortunately, on the way there, Kissmywut? fell prey to a large sand trap.

Two weeks later, an air force funeral service was held for their felled comrade.

In the basement of Watrlogd (the crew found out that Robins was really a compassionate and caring person and she didn't really care about the name of the ship) Percival slid a picture across a table to Matrim.

"I want you to dispose of this person."

"I don't get it," said Matrim, "I kill people, for money."

"I want you to do your job well on this one."

"Oh, I get ya. Who is it to be? That snobby Phil guy?"

"No, I want you to kill this man," said Percival, gesturing towards the small piece of paper.

"But that's a blank piece of paper."

"Turn it over."

"Oh, I get ya," said Matrim as he turned over the paper, "Hey, this is me."

"Yes, it is."

"Well, okay, but I'm going to need a lot of money."

THE END


	14. The Pepperiad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Pepperiad
> 
> or
> 
> If an old crew member had not died and was bent on having revenge, what would Ben, Phil, and Percival do about it?
> 
> Continuing the Odyssey

"I heard that 'e was eaten by a starvin' yak. A large, brown one!" voiced Tom.

"That ain't what I heard," said Gecko, "I heard 'e got 'it in the 'ead with a three-'eaded monkey."

"Well, I heard that 'e jumped into a pond with a helicopter blade," said Tarqs.

"I gone and heard we ate 'im for lunch," said Phil as he strolled up.

"Lunch did taste kind of funny," said Percival.

The trio ran over to the side of the ship and began to hurl each other overboard.

"I think it was the onions that made it taste funny," said Percival to Phil.

"Me too," said Phil.

"What do you figure happened to old Kissmywut? anyway?" asked Percival.

"Good question," answered Phil.

On a small island that was not too far away, a cloaked and hooded figure was monitoring the movements of every crew member that was aboard the ship Watrlogd. He was also watching "The Jeff Foxworthy Show" and playing "Sam and Max Hit the Road" on his computer.

The great oaken door that led into the chamber gave out a large creaking sound as it opened to admit a silent, ghostly figure. "Master, they are within range."

"Excellent, continue on with the plan."

"Yes master," it replied as it turned to leave the room. The door squeaked behind him.

"Soon, yes, soon," muttered the hooded figure as he chuckled evilly.

Back on the deck of Watrlogd, the crew was applauding a large brown yak who was juggling three headed monkeys and doing tricky little movements with his thumbs simultaneously but not at the same time. Suddenly, lightning and wind shook the ship, throwing everyone out of their seats. An eerie mist blew onto the ship.

"You know chap," said Percival, "We really need seat belts."

He then, like the rest of the crew, slipped into unconsciousness. The ship began slowly drifting towards an island in the distance.

"C'mon Percy, get up," said Phil as he shook Percival with all his strength.

"Alright, alright I'm up, I'm up. Gee, no respect."

Percival opened his eyes and found himself propped up against a small crack in the wall. The same eerie mist clung to the ship like a three headed monkey does to a large velcro pad.

After a short while, Percival stood up. Phil lead him towards the chicken's nest at the other end of the ship. There they met up with Robins, Mell, Tell, Teej, Layne, Obi Ben Walker, and Clint.

"Odysseus and the rest of the crew are no longer with us," exclaimed Ben.

"That's terrible!" said Phil, "When's the funeral?"

"No, I mean they've all fallen overboard or been taken captive or something," exclaimed Obi Ben.

"Oh, well where are they then?" asked Phil.

"Enough about them," said Clint, "Where are we?"

"Good question," said Mell.

As bored as he was, Teej began to do a tricky little thing with his thumbs.

"What does that have to do with anything?" asked Robins.

"Nothing much, I'm just bored."

"That's it!" yelled Tell.

Everyone was surprised because that was the first intelligent thing that she had said all day.

"I've just had an inspiration!" said Tell.

"Are you sure it's not perspiration?" asked Phil.

"Please, hit us with an apple of enlightment," said Layne.

"Well," said Tell, "I figure that someone is bent on having his/her revenge against us for something we did. So he decided to crewnap the crew and our captain to make us go after him."

"You idiot!" shouted the cloaked and hooded figure, "What have you done?"

"Master, all I did was go right along with the plans that you gave me! I only did not know of who this Percival, this Phil, and this Ben people were, so I brought everyone that they possibly could be."

"You brought me everyone they could be! But you did not bring me them!"

"Looks like your plans have already been thwarted, whoever you are," spoke Odysseus, who was standing in the corner with part of his crew.

"You can call me," said the figure as he took off his hood, "Dr. Pepper."

Odysseus and his crew fainted.

"I suggest that we split up," said Percival, "Pick teams, if you will, we can cover more ground that way."

"Why do you say cover more ground? We are obviously still on the ship."

"Well, if what Tell said is indeed what happened, then the lost members of our crew have obviously been taken to that island."

"Astounding!" exclaimed Teej.

"Alright," said Obi Ben, "How shall we pick our teams?"

"Pull names out of a hat," suggested Mell.

"Draw straws," said Phil.

"Guess a number," said Tell.

"Pick captains," suggested Layne.

"See who can act most like a large, brown yak," said Clint.

"Nevermind!" said Obi Ben as he stared at Clint and thought, " _I wonder what goes on in that perverted mind of his_."

"I say chaps," said Percival, "We should do this in an orderly fashion, obviously, we have three intelligent people, three strong people, and three fast people. We should split ourselves up evenly so that we have an even group."

"Hey, not a bad idea, eh?" said Phil.

"So who's with who?" asked Mell.

"I think," said Percival, "that the first group will be Robins, Teej, and Myself. The second group will be Obi Ben, Phil, and Mell. And group number three shall be the following: Layne as the strong one, Tell for the fast one, and, oh dear, I seem to have miscalculated, Clint, the oddball. Oh well, that will have to do."

"Odysseus, you shall be the first to witness my ultimate creation. The super multi functional atomic ballistic environmental friendly mind milking device. And the best part is, it runs on four AA batteries! Drone, bring out the prisoner."

"Yes Master," replied a drone.

"Watch Odysseus, for you shall also obtain this fate. You shall first watch all of your crew personnel enter the machine, then I shall personally place you into the machine."

"The man is ready Master," said the same drone.

"Excellent, begin."

The drone flipped a small switch which had the words "DO NOT TOUCH UNDER PENALTY OF LAW" painted above it in big, bright, cheerful letters.

"Chaps, don't look so down in the dumps!" said Percival, "We're only stuck on this island in some creepy forest about two miles away from the ship."

Robins and Teej groaned.

"I know, let's tell some jokes," said Percival.

Robins and Teej groaned again.

"Okay, there is this chap, and he measures the exact amount of bricks to make his chimney. When he does finish building his chimney, he finds out that he has one brick left. He gets so mad that he takes that brick and he throws it as hard as he could. Why do you think he did that?"

Teej groaned. Robins simply said, "I don't get it."

"Ben, would you quit embarrassing me in front of Mell, gee, I'm glad Percival is not here, otherwise you two wouldn't be able to quit," said Phil.

The group was in the middle of a large wasteland on the island. In the distance, they could see a forest and a large, brown mountain. Suddenly, the mountain stood up and ran off. Behind it was another mountain. This one was grey.

"So, Mell," inquired Phil, "What have you been doing recently?"

"Nothing much," she replied.

"And what are you planning to do in the future?"

"Nothing much."

"Phil, give it up," said Ben, "She's to tall for you."

Phil continued asking Mell incredibly stupid questions until, asking a question that she deemed too personal, he was backhanded across the face. He stumbled down to his knees. The ground beneath him groaned, then it gave way. Mell and Obi Ben were pulled in after him.

A tremendous growling noise filled the air as Layne, Tell, and Clint jumped through the foliage and the snow in a hurry to get off the mountain that they were occupying.

"You just had to disturb that herd of sleeping yaks didn't you?" said Layne.

"Guess so," said Clint.

Tom, Gecko, and Tarqs were the last three to be put into the machine (although not necessarily in that order). As it was now, they were walking around asking each other what time it was. Some of the other crew members were pretending to operate a talk show. Their topic was "Onions--done to death in stories". Other members were limboing and discoing around the room. Still, another set of crew members were listening to Garth Brooks and doing the Electric Slide.

"Make it stop!" screamed Odysseus.

"Hahaha, can't you stand there like a man and watch your crew members act like a bunch of idiots?"

"No, they do that all the time, it's the Garth Brooks that's killing me!"

"Hmmm, it seems that this country music is a powerful force. Maybe I'll just make you sit there and listen to it rather than stick you into my machine."

"No!" cried Odysseus, obviously he had the onion special for lunch.

Layne ran down the long slope much faster than he actually could which was why he fell down on his knees and skidded to the foot of the mountain. He fell inbetween a toe. Clint and Tell were right behind him. Just as they all regrouped, several birds flew in. One bomb after another was dropped in quick succession. Clint, Layne, and Tell ran across the open prairie while the birds chased them.

"Don't these things ever quit?" asked Tell.

"Don't ask," said Layne.

Clint opened his mouth, undoubtedly to give some sort of a smart alek remark, but before anything could go out, something came in.

Percival ran up the long slope and sat down at the top, waiting for Teej and Robins. After a short while, they finally made it up. Joining Percival on a long flat stone, the trio gawked at the awesome fortress.

"Woah, awesome!" said Teej.

"Uh, chap? What kind of a word is 'awesome'?" asked Percival.

It's not in any of the dictionaries that I've memorized," said Robins, "Well, let's go."

Robins started off down the slope with Percival and Teej running to catch up.

Mell awoke laying on top of Phil. For a second, she panicked. Immediately, she jumped off of him and gave him a solid kick in the ribs. Then she realized that he was unconscious. With nothing else to do, she went about the task of exploring her surroundings. She found that the ground that had caved in on them was, indeed, the ceiling of an intricately carved cavern. By coincidence, it had happened to cave in when she hit Phil.

Obi Ben and Phil came to a short while later. Together they journeyed on, this time navigating through the cave. There only set back was that Phil kept complaining about his ribs hurting. Mell just smiled and ignored him.

Robins was standing in front of a large moat when Percival and Teej leisurely strolled up. The moat surrounded the awesome stone fortress.

"There is no way we are going to get in there," said Teej.

"Sure there is chap," said Percival, "We just need to find out how."

Layne was the first to make it to the small outcrop of rocks. He collapsed on the floor and was soon joined by Tell. They lay there breathing heavily for what seemed like five minutes.

"Where's Clint?" asked Layne.

"Not that I care or anything, but good question," said Tell.

Layne walked over to the entrance of the small cave and peered out, careful to stay inside.

"What the heck?" said Layne, "He's out there dancing with them!"

"Well, he is the oddball."

"Are you enjoying this Odysseus?" asked Dr. Pepper, "Good, I've got a special surprise for you now. It's a machine I like to call the Electric Slider. You see, I hook you up to these small chains. And the machine moves your body in motion to the tune. I'll have one of my drones put it on you."

"Are you nuts?" asked Odysseus.

Dr. Pepper walked over to Odysseus and backhanded him. "I prefer the term Sane-Challenged."

Robins heard the screaming emanating from the fortress walls and made a mental note to figure out what it meant later. Right now she was concentrating on how to get into the fortress.

"I say chaps, look, we can go in through the air vents," suggested Percival.

"Be quiet, I'm thinking," said Robins, "Wait! I've got it! We will just go in through the air vents!"

"Brilliant plan!" said Teej.

Percival just shrugged as they unhooked the air vents and crawled inside.

"Where are we?" said Mell.

The trio had walked into a large chamber with an evil looking torture device in the center. There was a single red button on the machine. Above it were the words, "DO NOT TOUCH UNDER PENALTY OF LAW".

The group prepared to leave through the door on the opposite side of the chamber. Suddenly, two characters from the cult hit "MORE DULL KOMBAT" called Scorpio and Sub De Nero walked into the chamber, blocking off all escape for the trio.

Tell and Layne were still inside the cave waiting for Clint. Layne had pulled out his poker cards so they could play poker. After a short while, Clint walked into the cave. He looked as if he had been bombarded by an army. "Well, are we going to get on with this or are you two going to sit around and act lazy all day?"

"Dances with Sparrows speaks," said Tell.

"Well, he's got a point, we had better get a move on."

Robins emerged into a small, cramped chamber. In the corner, she could see Odysseus strapped up to an unusual torture device. Percival and Teej also entered the room. Immediately, Percival ran over to Odysseus and looked for a way to shut the machine off.

"Look out," said Teej, "I'm going to use my brute strength to shut it off.

Teej walked over to the machine and split the main control panel with his fist. Electricity coursed through his body at a rate similar to, but not quite, completely unlike the speed of light.

"Wow, what a buzz," said Teej. He then walked over and broke down the door and proceeded to walk down the hall when he heard muffled shouts from a cell next to the one that he had just come out of. He walked over and busted out the cell door. Several of the crew members came out blinking at the sudden change in light.

"What happened to you guys?" asked Robins.

"They milked our minds," said Gecko.

"They made us do stupid things!" said Tarqs.

"I can't believe it!" said A. C., "They made me listen to Garth Brooks and do the electric slide. Someone will pay for this!"

She ran off down the hall with a flashlight and a yak prod (like a cattle prod, but used for prodding yaks) both plugged into her ingrown socket.

Mell, Phil, and Obi Ben were in a mess. They stood in the center of the large open chamber while the two characters from Layne's favorite video game were guarding both doors.

"Get over here!" shouted Scorpio at the same time that Sub de Nero said, "Ain't this cool!"

A small harpoon with a large, brown yak's head carved into the end shot out of his hand. Coincidentally, if you examined this harpoon closely, you could see that the yak's head was painted to look like a clown's head and the words "Made in Taiwan" were printed on the side of the dart. Anyway, Sub De Nero shot a large ball of liquid nitrogen out of his hands. Carved into this was a three headed monkey doing a tricky little thing with his thumbs and the phrase "Humidity, it's everywhere".

"Goose!" shouted Phil.

"You mean duck!" said Mell.

"No he doesn't," said Obi Ben, "But we might want to duck anyway."

The trio ducked just as the smiling yak and the three headed monkey crossed paths. The two weapons hit opposite characters. Scorpio started crying and sucking at his thumb as he melted. Sub de Nero just stood there for a minute. Then he looked down at the harpoon sticking out of his chest and died from shock.

Mell continued on through the large, oaken doors with Phil and Obi Ben in tow.

"Master, intruders have entered the castle."

"Excellent, let them come."

"But Master, they have already killed your two commanding officers and have freed the captives."

"Good, then it must be Phil, Percival, and Obi Ben. Those stupid goody goody two shoes. I will have my revenge, soon, soon."

"Alright chaps, now in an orderly fashion walk down the hall and . . oh, heck, just follow Robins, she'll show you how to get out," said Percival.

"Thanks Percy," said Robins sarcastically.

"Oh, your quite welcome chap."

"Look, just shut up Percival."

"Can't," said Percival, "I don't know when to quit."

The captives were evacuated in record time and Robins began leading them back to the ship. Percival and Teej continued on down the hall.

Mell slowly turned the corner, carefully so as to see if the way was clear.

"I say chap, why are you acting so stealthy?" said Percival as he walked up with Teej.

"Shhh," said Mell, "I'm checking to see if the way is clear."

"Oh, where are Phil and Obi Ben?" said Teej.

"I don't know," said Mell, "They went off in some other direction. Phil was muttering something about a crack in the wall and a thermal detonator."

Suddenly, a large explosion rocked the fortress, throwing everyone off balance. As soon as they had recovered their balance, the three ran off in the direction of the explosion.

"Hey, look, it's Robins! We're saved!" yelled Tell.

"C'mon, we don't need no stinkin' help from no stinkin' girl!" said Clint, using his best impression from _The Little Rascals_.

Tell swung at him catching him directly across the stomach. The wind knocked out of him, Layne and Tell forced him to go with them. They began walking in the direction that Robins was walking in.

"Cap'n Robins, there's Layne and Clint and Tell!" shouted Tarqs.

"Alright, we better stop for them, signal the halt," said Robins, "Hmmm, I like that, Captain Robins, it has a nice ring to it."

The lines halted and the crew members sunk down gratefully, gasping in the cool air.

Tell and Layne dragged Clint across the ground towards their fellow crew members.

The explosion rocked the fortress, causing A. C. to stumble and loose the grip on her yak prod. Silently, she cursed to herself. She began to stand when she saw a movement off to the left. She ducked down in the corner, ready to spring on her victim.

Phil and Obi Ben were hurriedly searching the castle for Mell when they became trapped.

"Let's blow the wall," said Phil as he pulled out a stick of dynamite and a fuse, "Stand clear!"

The explosion blew through the wall, throwing the two off balance. They stood, walking through the hole that they had created.

Dr. Pepper staggered as shards of stone flew at him. He held his arms up to protect himself. Two shapes staggered into the large, open chamber.

"YOU!" shouted Dr. Pepper, "I will destroy you! It is my destiny!"

"Woah, talk about obsessed," said Phil, "Stand guard Ben!"

The ship was within their sights. The crew ran towards the welcome sight, but unnoticed were Layne and Robins who had slipped off in the opposite direction.

Mell and Teej were walking down the corridor. Percival had quietly slipped off in the other direction. Mell quietly stepped ahead with Teej behind her. Suddenly, Mell found herself pinned to the floor.

"A. C.?" said Mell.

"What?" asked A. C.

"Hey, It's me, Mell," said Mell, "C'mon get off of me."

  1. C. silently stood up and stepped off of Mell.



"Where is everyone else?" she asked.

"I don't know. We split up," said Teej.

"Well, let's go find them, they may be in trouble!" said A. C.

They headed off down the hallway at an easy jog.

"Insolent fools!" shouted Dr. Pepper, "You dare fight me, the greatest being on earth?"

"Oh, heck, why not?" said Phil.

"Sure," said Ben as he drew out his light saber, " _En guarde_!"

Dr. Pepper pulled a small, round disk from a belt around his waist. With a slight motion of his wrist, Phil flew back twenty feet to crumple up against the side of the wall. Ben chose this time to attack. He leapt forward, curving his sword in a circular maneuver. Dr. Pepper blocked the blow but staggered back under the fierceness of it. Ben kept on pressing forward with deadly blow upon deadly blow.

"How do we get in here?" asked Teej.

The three were standing in front of a large, oaken door.

"Very carefully," said Mell.

"Hold on," said A. C., "Maybe if I place an electrical charge into the door, it will blow in. Hold on, I'll try it."

The door exploded into the chamber, shoving Teej and Mell back under the force of it. A. C. had used an electrical shock so high that she had received an immense power shortage to her systems. She collapsed onto the floor and disappeared.

"Where did she go?" asked Teej.

"When they created her, they decided to include a special new device," said Mell, "Whenever a power outage occurs, she is transported back to the ship. Anyway, let's go!"

The two ran through the door, prepared for the worst.

The door had exploded inward, throwing Ben off his feet. Dr. Pepper had taken the chance to escape through the hole in the wall. Teej and Mell ran to Ben's side. Mell quickly searched for any wounds; finding none, she shook him awake.

"What happened?" asked Ben.

"A. C. exploded the door inward," said Teej, "I guess the door must have hit you, but what were you doing in here?"

"A cloaked and hooded man, he had six fingers on his right hand. He attacked me and Phil. Escaped," said Ben.

"We need to get these two back to the ship," said Mell, "Wait, where is Phil."

She glanced about the room, scanning everything for a sign of life. On the other side of the room, her eyes came to rest on Phil. She ran to his side and shook him awake.

"Oh leave me alone," he said, "Just five more minutes."

"No Phil, wake up now," said Mell, "Let's get these two outside."

"You go ahead, I've got someone to go after," said Teej.

Dr. Pepper was running down the hall when he was dragged down.

"I've got ya chap!" said Percival, "Now, who are you, and where are we."

"Ah, yes, I was wondering when you would come along. Now my revenge shall be complete. Allow me to introduce myself," said the figure as he took off his mask, revealing a small, plastic lid stuck in his eye. The words "Drink More Dr. Pepper" were written on it, "I am Kissmywut?, but you can call me Dr. Pepper." He swung at Percival, but, just in time, Percival ducked. He came up with an uppercut and caught Dr. Pepper across the chin. He then back flipped out of Dr. Pepper's reach. He crouched low, waiting for the right opportunity. When Dr. Pepper was in the right position, Percival flipped up and swung his legs out around Dr. Pepper's neck, balancing himself with his hands. For a minute he waited, preparing for his next move. He flipped his legs up over his head and did a somersault, bringing Dr. Pepper crashing down in front of him. He then stood up and waited. Feebly, Dr. Pepper grasped his belt and pulled out a small object. He made a slight movement with his hand and Percival flew back a few feet. Immediately, Dr. Pepper was on him.

Teej stalked through the halls, looking for any sign of movement. He could make out the silhouette of a person propped up in the corner. He climbed over the rubble on the ground and found that it was Percival. Teej shook him and Percival groaned.

"C'mon, what happened to you?" asked Teej.

"Dr. Pepper attacked me. He ran off down the hall. Let's hurry chap, we still want to get him you know. And don't worry, the good guy always wins."

He ran out of the hall, searching every crack and rough surface for anybody who might dare to stop him. He emerged into the large chamber where Scorpio and Sub De Nero had died. Immediately, he began running across the chamber to escape through the air vent. His fortress was destroyed, his plans ruined. Now all he had was his life, to again plot the destruction of Percival, Phil and Obi Ben.

Suddenly, Robins and Layne came out of the air vent, blocking off his path.

"Where do you think your going?" said Layne.

Dr. Pepper ran back the way he had come, but only to find Teej and Percival blocking his way. Trapped in the center of the room, he pulled a small box out of his belt.

Suddenly, the wall behind him blew open, revealing Obi Ben, Mell, and Phil.

"What? Phil decided that you guys were in trouble so we doubled back to see if we could help," said Mell.

"Fools!" boomed Dr. Pepper, "Don't you think that I would have planned for something like this to happen? This body is just a clone of my original, I can transfer my soul from one body to another. Hahaha!"

The body crumpled to the floor and decayed in a matter of seconds.

As the crew members and friends left the fortress, it crumbled into a large heap of rubble. The eerie mists dissipated, revealing a nice, sunny day.

"Chaps, I've got a great joke!" said Percival, "Okay, there's this airplane pilot and he is flying this lady across the Mediterranean Sea. And the pilot lights this big old cigar and smokes it in front of this lady. Anyway, she doesn't like cigar smoke so she asks him to put it out. So the pilot says 'Lady, I hate poodles, so if you throw your poodle out the window, I'll throw my cigar out the window.' So the lady says okay, and the pilot throws his cigar out the window. And the lady throws her poodle out the window. What do you think they found in the poodle's mouth?"

"Uh, the cigar?" asked Layne.

"No, the brick!" said Percival.

Everybody groaned and chased Percival back to the ship.

Three days later, Odysseus was awarding prizes to those who saved the crew.

"To those ten individuals who helped save us, they are all awarded medals of Honor and Bravery. They will also sail in my fleet of ships. Each one as a captain!"

The crowd of sailors cheered as each individual in the group was each awarded a medal and a document stating that they were now each captains of their own ships.

On a ship, miles away, a hooded figure watched as the awards were handed out, planning his next move.

THE END


End file.
